With 7TV Day 4: Pulptastic! coming up in two weeks'
time, and Al and I signed up, and all ready to go*, it was probably about time
Al played his first ever game of 7TV2. OK, neither of us have the 7TV2 Pulp
rules yet, but that doesn't matter, does it?** So we hurriedly cobbled together
some figures and terrain and remembered to take at least some pictures as we played using the main set of rules. Here's what happened…
*I'm all ready to go
except for sorting out my cast, who are all still unpainted in a plastic bag.
**Well, it might.
Luke Warm in the Desert: The Pilot
On the back of
substantial quantities of cold beer and even more substantial quantities of
money from sales of what is probably the best cooking lager in the world, the
spin-off, made-for-TV series based on the popular film Ice Cold in Alex has at last become reality. The show, which
follows the journey of the crew of a military ambulance, will involve many
well-known guest stars playing popular roles in a multitude of bizarre,
hazardous and increasingly unlikely adventures on the way to the pub in Cairo.
This is the
narrative of the pilot episode of that series.
Of
course, as this is the pilot, some corners have been cut and, in accordance
with established precedent of arguably the three greatest TV shows ever (and of
course you know I am talking about Airwolf,
Happy Days, and The Munsters), cast members and props will be sure to change for
the actual series. But for the moment, here they are:
Katy's Crew
Brigader
Mills: hip-flask-at-the-ready-leader - Dependable Deputy, Co-Star
Alex
Quayle: inappropriately dressed bruiser - Strongarm, Co Star
Velma
Jones: bespectacled schoolgirl archaeologist - Investigative Academic, Co Star
Dr
Sims: Sylvia, not Joan - Doctor, Extra
Sgt
Maj Andrews: Harry, not Julie - Technician, Extra
Corporal
Benton: Army Corporal, Extra
Privates
Smith & Jones: Army Privates, Extras
And
featuring superstar “UNIT Landrover” as Katy the Ambulance! - Vehicle,
Ambulance
The Cult of Blofeld, Science Division
Ernie Blofeld:
cat-wielding supervillain - Evil Mastermind, Star
Doc Brown: maniacal
bulgy-eyed inventor - Mad Scientist, Co-Star
Mustapha Pistol:
Cultist Leader - Extra
5 x Unnamed
Pistol-Armed Cultists: Cultists, Extras
Cameraman
The Plot
Katy
and her intrepid crew have teamed up with plucky schoolgirl archaeologist Velma
Jones and some expendable army-types. In a formulaic plot known in the industry
as The Steal, Velma needs the help of
Katy's crew to keep an ancient Egyptian nerve agent found during a local
archaeological dig out of the hands of Doc Brown, who for reasons that remain
unclear throughout the episode is working for the evil Mr Blofelt and his dastardly
cultists (science division).
 |
| And... Action! |
At the
edge of an urban area somewhere in the Western Desert, the cultists advance on
our unsuspecting heroes.
Inside
the ambulance, Dr Sims and the Technician discuss Ancient
History while they look after the canopic jar containing the ancient
Egyptian nerve gas. It is an unusual task, but one that is accepted with
typically plucky British resolve. And nobody has died yet, which is good for
morale.
Outside, the Brigadier lights another cigarette while admiring Alex's
bracers, make-up, and shiny jockstrap. In a brief moment, the background music
goes suddenly silent as their eyes make contact.
"Don't
be alarmed by the size," Alex concedes, "You're not the only one here
with an enormous hip flask."
The
Brigadier smiles, somewhat relieved.
"A
pint of semi-skimmed. I keep one under my bowler hat too," Alex continues,
"But that's soya. I think I might be developing an intolerance."
 |
| Is that a clue I see? |
On the far side of the buildings, Velma, followed by Corporal Benton
and his comedy duo platoon, is enthusiastically searching for clues.
"Keep
alert, men," Benton warns, "This is exactly the sort of place you're
likely to find the kind of unsavoury Johnnies who have all sorts of strange
ideas about what they might get up to with schoolgirl archaeologists."
Smith
and Jones exchange knowing glances. That was exactly what they were trying hard
not to think about.
 |
| The Cult of Blofeld (Science Division) advance |
Ahead
of them, through the heat haze, they see a group of just such unsavoury
Johnnies approaching. Six of them wear red cultist robes, which the props
department might have considered a little out of place in the desert had they
paid enough attention. The two standing behind were different, though. The
crazy haired one carrying the strange-shaped gun was dressed in a white boiler
suit and red sneakers, while the fat bald man with the monocle in the khaki
suit appeared to be armed with an exceptionally furry white cat.
"Mwahaha!"
Blofeld says, "Now we have them in our clutches!"
Doc
Brown's eyebrows dance up and down as he grimaces his best smile, wondering why
Blofeld's conversations usually end in exclamation marks.
"Great
Scott, you're right!" He overenthusiastically responds, realising that he
does it himself too. "That means the nerve gas will be in our hands soon, and then
I can finish my involvement with your unnecessarily complicated, unlikely and
decidedly mad world domination plot at last and get on with fixing the fault in
my flux capacitor!"
Taking
the initiative, Brigadier Mills is about to do something when suddenly the set
lighting cuts out as the power fails. As a result, he completely forgets what
he was going to do, and doesn't do it.
 |
| The Brigadier notes Alex's impressive jockstrap |
But with the
unexpected change of lighting, out of the corner of his eye (the one with
mascara), Alex spots something unusual about the oil drums nearby. Two are
normal oil drums, but the third seems to actually be some sort of ancient pot.
It is obviously an important clue. Wondering why he hadn't noticed it before,
he sidles over to the pot and picks it up. The cultists, who lack such
sophisticated acting talent, advance slowly, draw their pistols and open fire
ineffectually.
Aware of possible
danger, the uncredited paramedic slams Katy in reverse gear and moves back to
the cover of the nearest building. Inside, the Doctor and Technician's
conversation moves on to Current Affairs.
Meeting the threat,
and understanding the limits of their acting skill, the cultists open fire
again. Alex, in the open, finds himself caught in a hail of bullets. Wounded,
he retreats swiftly back carrying the pot, while the Brigadier moves to a
defensive position behind the cover of some convenient cardboard boxes
disguised as wooden crates.
 |
| Yes, it's definitely a clue |
Meanwhile, on the
other side of the buildings, Velma comes across what she thinks is a clue,
which she is examining closely with a magnifying glass.
"There's some
writing down here at the bottom of the wall," she announces to everyone in
general and no-one in particular, and bends down to take a closer look.
"It's a good job I can read ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs."
Corporal Benton
approaches to take a closer look at the writing, while Smith and Jones try as
hard as they can not to take a closer look at anything at all.
"It's written
in blood!" Velma cries. "The last words of a dying man!"
"What does it
say?" asks Corporal Benton, putting aside for the time being the thought
that a dying man might write his last words on a wall with his own blood in
ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs.
"It reads: RGH-MDNG-HPHV-NFTM-TRT-CL-D," Velma
reads. "Bear in mind that the ancient Egyptians didn't have any vowels or
punctuation, and hieroglyphs are largely phonetic anyway."
Corporal Benson
looks confused. He isn't at all sure about the meaning of the word 'phonetic'
and certainly wouldn't have chanced using it in polite company. As Smith and
Jones continue to avert their eyes, Velma smugly continues.
"In English,
Corporal, that translates as: 'Aaargh!!! I'm dying!! I hope I have enough time
to write a clod'."
Benson gives her an
odd stare.
"Well, it's
something like that."
As the gunfight in
the open continues, the Brigadier takes careful aim and bags the shortest, and
unluckiest of the cultists who was standing in the middle of the street waving
his pistol about pointlessly.
"Jolly good
shot," said Alex as he passes by, swiftly retreating to cover, carrying
the pot.
Velma stands up,
pondering the meaning of the clue, while Smith and Jones exchange relieved
glances and Corporal Benton takes in the situation. None of the enemy are near
them, but the cultists will certainly soon be in shooting range if they
continue to press their advance on the retreating ambulance.
"I've got
it!" Velma announces. "It's simple. It's not 'clod', it's 'clue: D'.
The hieroglyph for D is a hand. And, see, the middle finger is forming an
unusual upward-pointing gesture, directing us towards the top of the opposite
building. There must be something on the roof!"
Taking advantage of
the lack of nearby opposition, Velma takes out her archaeologist's whip, while
Smith and Jones begin exchanging worried glances again. With a skilled crack,
at the exact moment that both Privates wince, the tip of the whip coils around
a small hook at the top of the wall and, with the whip providing a makeshift
grappling hook, in one swift movement Velma swings herself up onto the roof of
the adjacent building.
"I was
right!" Velma excitedly cries, examining the body she's found. It's a man
dressed in Egyptian clothing, a knife buried in his stomach, his own blood
smeared on the index finger of his right hand. The body of the man who had
written the clue on the wall in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs in his own blood.
"How very
mysterious", Velma thinks.
But Velma is not
aware she is being watched. One of the cultists, knife at the ready, is lurking
against the wall on the opposite side of the street waiting for the moment to
pounce.
 |
| Everyone laughs when someone falls over |
As the nearest of the cultists slips over a banana skin someone left on set, and Alex retreats
further, to an even safer position, confusion suddenly breaks out. The director, who doesn't seem to appreciate the difference between a man with
white hair in a white jump suit and a man wearing a bowler hat in white
underwear, makes them inexplicably exchange positions. This leaves the
unfortunate Alex surrounded by angry cultists, and the Brigadier with Doc Brown
pointing an experimental gun at his back. Confusion is swiftly followed by
gunfire, which even a large handful of plot points cannot withstand. Alex is
duly mowed down and the Brigadier swiftly and unceremoniously follows. In the
ambulance. the conversation moves on to Politics.
 |
| Doctor vs. Ambulance showdown |
With an apparent
absence of opposition, the overconfident cultists advance, exposing them to the
field of fire of Corporal Benton's undersized platoon. Doc Brown, ahead of
them, advances toward the ambulance and opens fire. Experimental bullets (some
incendiary) bounce harmlessly off the armour of the vehicle, while inside, the
Doctor and Technician move their discussion on to Religion.
At this point, for
no better reason than getting a couple of quick extra plot points, the director
takes the opportunity to add a brief romantic interlude to the picture.
"Oh Joan"
"Call me
Sylvia"
"Oh
Sylvia"
"Oh
Sergeant-Major"
"Oh uncredited Paramedic"
"Oh uncredited Paramedic"
With plot points
scarce, the firefight continues to little effect, as it often does in TV shows
when they have time to kill. An extremely lucky cultist shot wounds the
Corporal. Other bullets bounce off ambulances and through cultists.
"Mwahaha!"
Blofeld gloats, stroking his cat. "All is (mostly) going to plan!"
The cultist leader
and a particularly short cultist standing next to him nod and laugh in
flattering agreement.
"Don't I know
you?" Blofeld asks.
"Er, me? Yes,
sir," the short cultist responds. "I was shot earlier but the
director sent me back on again."
"Ah, yes.
Unlimited minions. Of course, that explains it!" Blofeld strokes the cat
again.
And that is the
precise moment Blofeld senses that something is not quite right. He stares at the
cat. Big. White. Fur. Pink eyes. Strange ticking. Something isn't quite right.
This isn't the right cat. Somehow it must have been exchanged for one of Doc Brown's
experimental cats, possibly earlier when the power failed.
The cat explodes,
instantly disposing of the short cultist (again).
 |
| Blofeld considers he may have had a lucky escape |
Stealing the scene,
the army presses their advantage, accompanied by a suitable special effects
sequence.
"Oh no,"
says Blofeld, as the remains of the cat that he is holding catch fire.
But through the
blood and flames Blofeld sees his moment. Pulling the starter cord of his
jetpack he flies to some nearby trees at the side of the set, where he knows
there was a small fire extinguisher for use in just such emergencies, and in
moments the flames are extinguished.
Sensing an
opportunity to appear in the credits, the uncredited paramedic slams Katy into
forward gear for the first time in the episode and accelerates to the
Corporal's aid, completely failing to heal his wound. Inside, there is a soft
thud as two people fall from one of the beds, though there doesn't seem to be
any more conversation. And the inevitable explosion happens.
Smith (or Jones)
explodes, while Jones (or Smith) is left unscathed, and Katy's armour proves as
strong as ever. Inside, beyond the condensation on the windows, the Doctor and
the Technician barely notice.
With the news fast
approaching and the episode rapidly drawing to a close, the final drama takes
place. As Velma leaves the building she is pounced on by the waiting cultist,
who waves his knife at her. She duly hits him on the head with her bag and walks
off.
And so, with their
cast axed at the last possible opportunity, the credits roll as the ambulance
drives up to her and the doors open enabling the last of the crew to escape.
"Curses!"
shouts a bruised, soot-blackened, water-soaked Blofeld holding a piece of burnt
fur. "Foiled again!"
