The Way to Aberillo: Episode 1

Main Street, Aberillo

INTRODUCTION

Since constructing Aberillo and painting a load of western figures to go with it, I’ve been trying to find a set of rules that I like and which will do everything I want. My ideal rule set will be straightforward enough to allow reasonably fast play, yet detailed enough to build its own narrative, flexible enough to accommodate multiple players and uneven sides, as well as including plenty of detail – such as hit locations, fast draws and the like - but I want all this without over-complicating gameplay or enjoyment. To date I’ve not found a single set of rules that does all of this. The closest in my view are Wargames Foundry’s The Rules With No Name, and Wiley Games’s A Fistful of Lead: Reloaded – both of which are admittedly excellent if not exactly what I want. So I have come up with a hybrid ruleset that relies fairly heavily on these two, but with additional ideas derived from other sets of rules, some Western Gunfights, some not.

This post presents the narrative of the first proper game played using these hybrid rules, which I am calling “A Fistful of Dice” in honour of both of the above sets (acknowledging that this is the subtitle of The Rules With No Name, and closest to that set overall). 

I’m not going to talk about the specifics of the rules used here in any detail, just present the story that was generated during play. Feel free to contact me directly if you want more detail on the rules themselves and I’ll be pleased to help. 

Welcome to Aberillo

EPISODE I – This Town Ain’t Big Enough

It is around 1870. Our story begins in the sleepy town of Aberillo, the principal settlement in Aberillo County, an imprecisely defined area somewhere on the frontier between Indian Territory and the Mexican border, where Welsh pioneers and prospectors settled some years ago in the hope of finding gold. With the arrival of the railway, and the occasional successful gold strike, Aberillo continues to steadily grow as more people arrive and trade increases. There are two kinds of people, my friend. Those that prosper, and those that come in by the window.

"Early train's late again..."

As usual, the early train is late. Station Master Jones tuts to himself as he checks his pocket watch for at least the third time this morning. 

All is quiet in town in the early morning

In the town centre, accompanied by two hired guards, Bank Manager Owen Money exits the main door of the Bank, on his way to the station. He carries a fat leather bag containing cash that is to be transferred to a strongbox on the early morning train. He and his men check the area for signs of danger.

A reasonable hotel, but in need of some maintenance

Leaving the comfort of Aberillo's finest Hotel, the KC Duke Gang are up early. KC has just heard that local ruffian "Mad Dog" Madog is soon to be into town, and he wants to be ready for him. To leave Aberillo without a show of strength could be seen as losing face, and that just will not do.

Madog and his gang swagger into town

On the other side of town, "Mad Dog" Madog and his toughs have already hitched their horses and are steadily walking down Main Street. In the centre, their leader is feeling mean, unhappy that a rival gang has spent last night making merry on his patch. This is Madog’s territory, no matter what anyone else might say.

"Let's see what's going on, then..."

Shotgun at the ready, Old Seth moves up to the corner of the street and peers around the wall of the Tobacconist. Some folks have come out of the bank and are looking down the street towards the rival gang. Trouble is brewing, for sure.

"Is that poster supposed to look like me?"

The gunman Doyle casually leaves Madog's side and walks over to the sheriff's office to geta closer look at the wanted posters on the wall. Madog might think he's tough, but there's no price on his head yet - or any other gang members, for that matter.

Just going about my business...

Moving between the Tobacconist and the Belle View Saloon, KC Duke enters Main Street. He lights the stub of a cigar and shakes the match out as he surveys the scene. Despite the early hour, he can hear the sounds of customers inside the saloon. The horses shift at the hitching post as he watches the men outside the bank on the other side of the street, and contemplates the contents of that fat leather bag.

McKenzie advances toward the saloon

To KC's left, his gang member Jimmy Card - "The Kid" - rounds the corner and looks in the Tobacconist's window. At the same time, McKenzie, one of Madog's gunmen, moves along the boardwalk to a closer position, where he has a clear view of the two rival gang members. The soundtrack quietens as their eyes meet and they appraise each other, waiting to see who will make the first move. 

Taking up positions

The other pair of the KC Duke Gang have crossed the street. Expecting trouble, Marty Dean keeps a careful watch, while Old Seth finds a safe and reasonably comfortable position behind the cover of some barrels. The tension is building and it's only a matter of time before someone goes for their gun. Seth, who knows these tense pauses can sometimes be overly long, contemplates taking a short nap.

That move is just too close for comfort

Abruptly, the tension is suddenly broken as a cowboy (who has nothing to do with either gang) bursts out of the saloon, jumps on his horse and makes off down the street. It's a moment that in many westerns would serve to raise the tension another level, but in this case the nervous gunfighters protecting the Bank Manager are just too jumpy, and they both open fire.

The gunfight begins

As the gunfighter on Mr Money's right fires in the direction of the cowboy, his companion swings in Doyle's direction and shoots before he has a chance to react. Doyle is hit badly in the leg and drops to the ground. In the street, the cowboy's injured horse falls down, depositing its rider on the ground. The cowboy really wasn't expecting to find himself in a firefight and, understandably, panic sets in.

"Run away!"

Losing his nerve, the cowboy scuttles off between the buildings to get away from the action.

"Doyle, what have they done to you!" 

Ffion the saloon girl, who for some reason is quite fond of Doyle, just by chance happens to be in the Sheriff's office. She rushes out to try to help him, but all she really achieves is to get in the way.

"This could be my lucky day..."

Clearly the Bank Manager must be carrying a valuable prize in his bag. KC sees an opportunity, if only he can get Madog's men out of the way first. Ducking behind the cover of the edge of the saloon, he opens fire at McKenzie, but finds himself out of ammo at the critical moment.

Shots are fired across the front of the saloon

As Shotgun Sam, Madog's loyal number two, runs inside the saloon, McKenzie is joined by Cheyenne and they both open fire in KC's direction.

McKenzie is hit

But KC's reactions are fast. Cheyenne ducks back behind cover, but McKenzie is too slow and takes a bullet. A flesh wound to the belly and he is forced to the ground in pain.

"Let's get out of here!"

inside the saloon, Shotgun Sam moves to a window with a closer view of KC and The Kid. But he can't do this without disturbing the locals, and a crowd of terrified bystanders rushes out of the saloon and away up the street to safety.

He's behind you...

As Ffion tries to help the injured Doyle, the door to the Sheriff's Office slowly opens and an unfamiliar man emerges. He's a notorious bandit who is taking the opportunity to escape from jail while everyone else is distracted by the gunfight. [It's not quite clear what has happened to the Sheriff, who really ought to have prevented this, but we will assume that he is asleep and Ffion must have left the jail keys within reach of the prisoner when she rushed out to help Doyle - though what she was doing in the Sheriff's office anyway remains a mystery]. The escaped prisoner grabs Ffion from behind and loudly announces that he will kill her if anyone shoots in his direction.

Taking up a new position

KC, aware that Shotgun Sam is likely to attack him from the cover of the saloon, takes the opportunity to move away, and finds a better firing position behind an outhouse at the rear of the saloon where he has a clearer view of Cheyenne and McKenzie.

Time for action

But "Mad Dog" Madog has spotted KC's cunning move. Up to this point he has merely been watching what's been going on, but he's decided now is the time to take action. He moves to a position with a bead on KC from cover next to the oven of Evans's Bakery.

And down he goes

McKeznie is unable to see KC but knows that if he moves into the street he has a clear shot on The Kid. He rushes out bravely, shoots, and promptly misses. On the opposite side, Marty Dean returns fire, and McKenzie is hit again, this time taking a wound that knocks him out. Unconscious, he drops to the ground. The bank guards, who have retreated back inside the building for protection, shoot from the windows at The Kid instead, but also miss. Oblivious, The Kid stands in the open as shots ricochet off nearby objects. He has absolutely no idea any of those shots were meant for him.

The cowboy takes his own back 

Behind The Kid, the cowboy at last regains his nerve. Taking a moment to recover, he turns in the direction of the shooting, intent on revenge, and shoots. The Kid is hit with a shot to the heart.

"I can see you..."

From the cover of buildings, KC and Madog exchange shots. 

"Shhh!"

A bystander leaves the Tobacconist's, heading around the corner of Main Street to safety. Shotgun Sam, finding himself lacking a target, has somehow made his way here. He waves the bystander past as he sneaks toward the corner of the building in search of a better firing position.

Cheyenne runs in

While KC's focus is to shoot Madog, Cheyenne takes the opportunity to test the hand-to-hand combat rules and moves into contact. A fight breaks out as they grapple each other and roll around on the ground behind the outhouse. Madog, who isn't overly concerned about Cheyenne's welfare, continues to fire. Inevitably, perhaps, Cheyenne is hit.

"Escape at last!"

The escaped convict, hostage in tow, has made it to the edge of town. Setting in place an obvious plot hook for a future scenario, he leaves the table. 

"Surprise!"

Old Seth, who has just woken up from his nap to find a gunfight going on, and realised that he is nowhere near the action, retraces his steps. As he rounds the corner of a building he comes face-to-face with Shotgun Sam. Shotguns are discharged at short range.

"I give up!"

Marty Dean has crossed the street, pursuing The Kid's killer, who he knows must be here somewhere. Behind him, though, a drunk has emerged from the saloon and is now tugging at his coat, desperately trying to surrender. Marty is annoyed by the distraction, but the presence of a citizen (even Newt Lush the town drunk) means that the two guards in the bank opposite decline to open fire in case (as is reasonably likely) they hit an innocent bystander. Instead, they take aim at Marty's back and wait for the drunk to move aside.

Getting close and personal

Beside the outhouse KC fights off the wounded Cheyenne, but as he stands, Madog sneaks up behind and aims his rifle at point blank range. KC cannot react quickly enough. Madog fires - and somehow misses. Angry, he makes a noise a bit like a mad dog, and tries again with a second shot - but this time the gun just clicks as he finds himself out of ammo. He roars something unintelligible in frustration.

Noises coming from the direction of Main Street warn that the sheriff is up and about at last and has obviously aroused more men than either gang wish to face. Not wanting an angry mob to take justice into their own hands, the rivals stop their quarrelling with a few choice phrases and angry looks, back off, and usher their remaining gang members to get out of town fast. There’ll be another chance to settle their differences soon enough.

To be continued...

Numidians for Saga: Age of Hannibal

The completed army

With a wave of enthusiasm following the release of Saga: Age of Hannibal I rushed out and bought a whole load of figures to make up several different armies. I finished the Gauls first (see my post from December last year), but while the Numidians were actually started before the Gauls it has taken me six months to get them finished. This was partly because I ended up buying a few more figures than intended - although following actual experience of playing with this universe on Tabletop Simulator I realise I'm going to need at least another elephant...
- Warlord
- 1 x Elephant
- 2 x Levy
- 6 x Warriors

This then is a short post with images of the completed army.

I find I have made up 9 points of troops as follows:

All figures are from  the excellent Victrix plastic figures range with the exception of the warlord. I replaced all the plastic spears with ones made from brass rod (method described here). In my view, Victrix spears are way too fragile for gaming without a lot of breakages happening. 

Basing was done by the usual method I use for desert terrain - textured with a mixture of filler, sharp sand, PVA glue and water, sprinkled over with very small stones followed by Chinchilla dust. Painted Crown Brown Sugar, highlighted Crown Biscuit - but with the addition of patches of War World Scenics Army Coarse Sand and some appropriate tufts from Gamers Grass. All figures are painted with Foundry paints.

Warlord, appropriately from Warlord Games

The warlord is the figure of Juba I of Numidia, appropriately from Warlord Miniatures. I would have converted one of the Victrix figures but this would have left me one man short of another unit! His horse is a bit thin compared to those from Victrix but even so this is a very nice figure. He's depicted with javelins (Numidian Warlords in Saga don't have javelins, but never mind). I gave him a plastic Victrix shield so tht he would better match the other troops, and replaced the javelin in his right hand with one made from brass rod, again to match the rest of the army.

One elephant (need one more...)

The elephant is a lovely model from Victrix. I added weight by filling the elephant body with plasticine on assembly. Shields added to the outside of the howdah were ones left over from a purchase of separate shields for use with my Iberians (still awaiting painting), bought from 1st Corps. 

Levy #1

Levy #2

While you can't beat transfers for shield designs, I wanted my figures to be similar enough to look good together, yet easily distinguished if separated into smaller units, so all the shields in the army are hand painted following some formulaic designs and a narrow range of colours. Using this method I have four designs for the levy (making up to four groups of six men), twelve for the warriors (allowing for twelve groups of four), and separate designs for the elephant crew and the warlord. Painting smaller numbers of the same design I have found also to be easier and quicker than bigger painting batches.

Warriors #1

Warriors #2

Warriors #3

Warriors #4

Warriors #5

Warriors #6

Victrix have done something really clever with these Numidian warriors which you probably won't notice until you put them beside other Victrix cavalry. These horses are smaller ponies, whihc in my opinion look spot on. Horse colours were chosen randomly based on advice on colours and expected proportions from reference books. I find if I am left to decide horse colours by myself I will get things wrong, so use Excel to help, with paint colours as advised by Kevin Dalimore in his excellent Foundry Painting and Modelling Guide book. This is particularly handy if like me you are colourblind. I intend to write a blog article about how I do this at some time in the future.

Looking forward to getting these chaps on the table soon!

Fishfinger: A Bond Film for 7TV2

Fishfinger and Odd-Dog pose for a publicity shot

  

Shirley Bouillabassey sings:

Fishfinger, he's the man

The man with the deep fried hake

(Also fishcake)

Salt and vinegar

Beckon you to sample his battered fish

Try to resist!

Tartare sauce he will pour in your ear

But his fries can't disguise what you fear

A girl who can smell knows when he's kissed her

It's the fishy breath of Mister Fishfinger

Pretty girl, beware of those breadcrumbs gold

This fish is cold

He loves only fish,

Only fish...

That's quite enough of that.

This is the narrative of the third game of 7TV2 in a series re-imaginined Bond films, played out in their proper sequence. Enjoy; this one's a classic.

"Battered from head to foot, you say?" M looked concerned. 

"Yesh, Ma'am. She probably died from shkin shuffocation. It occashionally happensh to cabaret dancersh; normally a shmall piece of shkin is left unbattered..."

"No, Bond," M was quick to interrupt. "The cause of death was deep fat frying. It's even more horrible than cabaret."

Bond was quiet for a moment, resisting the urge to make what would probably have been a very inappropriate joke. At last, M broke the silence.

"The girl worked for Eric Fishfinger," she announced. "The multi-billionaire fish and chip shop tycoon, owner of most of the world's cod stocks. Made all his money from fish, and by all accounts is always greedy for more. He's legally allowed to operate in the UK and has been making noises about buying all of England's inshore fishing resources for the last few years. So far the government have resisted, but since Brexit, it's looking increasingly likely the PM will want to be bailed out soon."

"But something tells me there is more to this," she continued. "The activity at Fishfinger's Cornish base has increased over recent weeks, and with this little personal vendetta of his against you, I sense he's up to something. That's why we're sending you down to Smuggler's Cove, to find out what's really going on...."

Smuggler's Cove: just another quiet Cornish fishing village

And so, after a series of inconsequential encounters with the evil mastermind Eric Fishfinger, James Bond is sent to Smuggler's Cove in Cornwall to investigate. It's now some time later, back at MI6.

M looked up from the desk, concerned. There had been no word from Bond since they sent him to Cornwall last week. Not even a caviar expense claim.

"Yes, ma'am," the Chief of Staff continued. "The voice on the phone was difficult to make out, but the message was clear. We believe it was a woman who calls herself Catfish Galore. Apparently she's a stunt sailor working for Fishfinger."

"And you're sure this Operation Canned Spam is happening tonight?"

"Yes, ma'am. The shipping forecast confirms that conditions will be perfect tonight, the smoothest sea for months. Exactly the conditions required to deploy the Thermidor Device..."

The Thermidor Device, M thought. The French must have made it after all, in secret, and probably sold it to Fishfinger for some ridiculous amount of money, or perhaps just given it to him in the knowledge he would use it against Britain. Such a terrible weapon, and yet so simple. A nuclear device that when triggered would release millions of irradiated baby lobsters into the sea. A bomb which, if precisely detonated in the correct underwater currents, would ensure that Britain's offshore fish stocks would become radioactive for the next 56 years. The UK would be forced to import fish from other sources, and the price of fish and chips and the value of Fishfinger's cod stocks would rise exponentially. 

"And if that wasn't bad enough," he continued, "With Bond missing in action, there are no 00s currently available. I'm afraid there's nothing for it - we will have to go to Plan B."

M looked up, concerned. "You mean Plan M, don't you..."

"Yes Ma'am. But she's had all the basic training and has been ready for field assignment for some weeks now."

M pressed a button on the intercom.

"Miss Moneypenny, would you come in please? We have a job for you..."

MI6, short of 00 agents and in need of urgent action,have no option but to give leadership of the assault team to Moneypenny, fresh out of training for this sort of thing. Plan M is duly put into action.

Moneypenny gives acting directions on set

Meanwhile, back at Honest Eric's Fishy Factory...

The first thing Bond was aware of when he awoke was the overpowering smell of fish. The second, that he was covered in some sort of slimy substance. Yellow, sticky, and, unexpectedly pleasant-tasting. He wiped his eyes and raised a eyebrow. Third, he realised, now that he could see, he was within the interior of some sort of giant warehouse. Fourth, facing the ceiling, he sensed his back was rather warm - maybe someone had left the underfloor heating on. And finally, fifth, that he could barely move - his wrists and ankles were secured to some sort of giant wire basket, which was hanging, suspended in the air above what appeared to be a giant bath. Of oil. Which was very hot. 

Oh.

"Good Evening, 007"

Fishfinger, wearing an unfashionable beige safari suit beneath a grease-stained apron, slowly walked his bulk toward Bond.

"What you can smell is fish, Mr Bond," he enthused. "All my life I have been in love with its feel, its colour, its unique aroma. I welcome any enterprise that will increase my stock, which is considerable."

"Shounds fishy to me," Bond quipped.

There was an awkward pause as nobody laughed.

"Choose your next fishy witticism carefully, Mr. Bond," Fishfinger continued. "It may be your last. What you are attached to is an industrial deep fat fryer. Allow me to demonstrate it to you." The mastervillain clicked his fingers, and an unseen minion operated a hidden control somewhere out of sight. The mesh basket started to descend, very slowly, into the bath. Even from here, a few feet above, Bond could see as well as feel that the oil was boiling hot. He struggled to no avail as Fishfinger moved away to attend to more important matters.

"You expect me to talk?" Bond asked, trying his best not to panic.

Fishfinger turned towards him and smiled. 

"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to fry...."   

Apologies for that pun, but it had to be done. 

007 finds himself in deep... chip fat

THE CASTS

The heroic cast pose on the set of Fishfinger

The Heroic MI6 Assault Team: 

James Bond (Action Hero, Star) - 10 ratings
Moneypenny (Angel of Justice, Co-Star) - 6 ratings

2 x Assault Squad Officers (X-Commando Captain, Extra) - 4 ratings each

8 x Assault Troopers (X-Commando, Extra) - 3 ratings each

Most of the villains pose for a promotional photo

Fishfinger's Villainous Minions:

Fishfinger (Evil Mastermind, Star) - 10 ratings

Odd-Dog (Faithful Lackey [modified], Co-Star) - 6 ratings

2 x Bodyguards (Ninja, Extra) - 4 ratings each

2 x Thermidor Device Operators (Scientist, Extra) - 2 ratings each

4 x Minion Commanders (Minion Commander, Extra) - 3 ratings each

20 x Minions (Minions) - 3 models for 5 ratings

There is  also one vehicle, a transport for the Thermidor Device, disguised as a Fish Delivery Van (which uses the Van template).

THE SET

All is quiet at dusk in Smuggler's Cove

A 6'x4' table is set up to represent a sleepy coastal Cornish fishing village with a small jetty. Inland, walled country roads lead across a landscape of fields and hedgerows with patches of scrubby vegetation to Honest Eric's Fishy Factory - Fishfinger's fish processing factory and (not-so) secret base.

The village is a typical, quiet and slightly run-down Cornish town with red-roofed whitewashed buildings. The closest to the dock is the smaller harbourmaster's cottage.

The factory is a large two-storey building with no windows. In a downstairs room to the back, scientists are priming the Thermidor Device prior to its planned deployment tonight. Upstairs, in a larger chamber, James Bond remains tethered to an outsize mesh basket hanging dangerously close above a vat of boiling deep fat. Odd-dog impassively watches on, lethal bone at the ready in case Bond should somehow make an escape. 

Scientists prime the Thermidor Device

SPECIAL RULES

Bond begins the game as a hostage. His model does not generate plot points until he escapes from the industrial deep fat fryer. Odd-dog starts the game in the same room, watching on.

Fishfinger and the two ninjas start the game in his office on the ground floor of the factory building.

The scientists and the Thermidor Device start in the other back room on the ground floor of the factory building.

The minions are formed into four squads, each comprising a minion commander and five minions. One squad is positioned in the main downstairs room of the factory, one in the harbourmaster's cottage (unknown to the MI6 force), one on the tramp steamer, beginning the game off-table and arriving at the start of Act 2 (unknown to the MI6 force) and the final squad in a location of the player of the villainous cast's choice - in our case, guarding the factory entrance at the main road.

The game begins at dusk with the arrival of Moneypenny and two squads of Assault Troopers (each one commander and four troopers) who swim to shore having travelled to the location by submarine.

VICTORY CONDITIONS

Fishfinger is trying to get the Thermidor Device, which is ready for deployment tonight (the tides are perfect) from the factory to the boat and off-table.

The MI6 cast (who are deliberately smaller) have the arguably slightly more simple objective of stopping them (ideally by defusing the Thermidor Device) and the secondary objective of rescuing Bond (before he is turned into a kind of novelty fritter).  To defuse the Device, a model must use a Special Action when in contact with the Device to make an opposed Mind roll (use the scores of the character attempting to defuse the device, and the highest score of any active character in Fishfinger's cast).

There are no objectives in this scenario other than the Thermidor Device, which can be considered to be the Maguffin.

Victory Points are assigned as normal, amended as follows:

- Possession of the Thermidor Device: 3 points to either cast
- Thermidor Device is in the Tramp Steamer at the end of the game: +2 points (villains)
- Thermidor Device has left the table in the Tramp Steamer by the end of the game: +5 points (villains)
- Bond escapes from the industrial deep fat fryer: +2 points (heroes)
- Thermidor Device is defused: +5 points (heroes)

AND... ACTION!

The raiders arrive

In the dim light of dusk, all an observer could make out would be a lonely seagull floating on the water. A seagull that unexpectedly rises and reveals itself to be some sort of hat...

Clothed in black, armed divers approach with the incoming tide, as the submarine they have come from disappears silently beneath the water. They advance silently through the water, the only sound the surf against the sand. Ahead of them their leader stands, the first to reach the beach, and removes her seagull-disguised helmet. Moneypenny looks around but all is quiet in the sleepy village of Smuggler's Cove. They can't have been spotted yet.  

Bond tries his best to stay outside the vat of boiling fat

Some uncanny kind of sixth sense urges Bond to act at the precise moment Moneypenny's assault troops are making their beach landing. Suspended above boiling chip fat, Bond stretches to reach the switch on his wristwatch buzzsaw and attempts to cut himself free. There is an uncomfortable moment when the wire mesh breaks and he almost falls, but he hangs on above the bubbling liquid.

"For a moment then I thought my chips were down," he can't stop himself quipping.

Odd-dog, annoyed by the sound of the buzzsaw, just growls, baring his teeth beneath the shadow of his hat. 

"Who put that banana skin there?"

What Moneypenny does not know is at the moment the assault force is landing, the commander of Minion Squad #2 just happens to be looking out to sea with binoculars. In the faint moonlight, she sees a single seagull on the surface of the water. Which would not have been remarkable had it not been followed by a perfectly synchronised line of ten other evenly-spaced identical seagulls swimming together in formation toward the shore. She hadn't got to the rank of Commander for no reason, and had a passing familiarity with MI6 standard issue equipment. The seagull-disguised scuba helmet was a classic.

Momentarily panicking, she leaves her post, running to warn those inside the factory. But Minion Terry, who had been eating a banana earlier, must have discarded the skin on the ground near the factory door, because as she gets there she slips and falls embarrassingly to the ground. Likely minions Terry and Bob (now you know what happened to them), watching from the road entrance, do their best not to laugh.

Inside Fishfinger's office, both ninjas simultaneously spring to attention. Fishfinger, who has been counting his bank balance again, glances up. Seated at the desk, his eyes are at the same height as those of his faithful bodyguards.

The ninjas hear a noise!

"Risten! You heal noise?" both ninjas say to each other simultaneously, and each nods to the other in reply. But before they can react, there is a sudden and unexpected powercut on the film set and they are slower responding than normal. 

The ninjas advance to investigate

In the darkness, the ninjas advance into the main chamber, leaving Fishfinger behind.

The Thermidor Device proves difficult to move  

Minion squad #1, in the main factory chamber, are momentarily disorganised by a sudden and unexpected failure of the studio lights. They grope their way into the chamber to help the scientists move the Thermidor Device, which is far too heavy for weakling scientists to shift on their own.   

Out of the frying pan into the, er, dog

Above, on the upper storey of the factory, Odd-Dog barks the alarm, but his Korean yapping is difficult to interpret, not helped by the unweildy, razor-sharp bone he is holding between his teeth. Bond gingerly climbs down the side of the industrial deep fat fryer.

An unopposed beach landing

Moneypenny advances through the surf into the cover of some scrub at the edge of the sand. Behind her, two teams of assault troopers discard their seagulls and ready their weapons, making their way up towards the beach.

"As you were..."

The commander of Minion Squad #2 stands, brushes herself down and returns to her post. Again, her men do their best to behave sensibly. Terry and Bob exchange meaningful glances. 

The bone is thrown

With a deft flick of his jaw, Odd-Dog launches the lethal bone with deadly accuracy, striking Bond across the cheek, drawing blood. The bone hits the wall behind, becoming embedding it in the plaster a few feet above the ground. With an impassively Korean snarl, Odd-Dog maliciously advances. Bond raises an eyebrow at the wound, his attention concentrated on not falling into the vat of boiing chip fat beside him. 

"Assume attack formation!"

The troopers advance up the beach, aware that timing and the element of surprise are critical. Unfortunately for them the film director has been pushing the action along at a faster rate than usual, and Act 2 is imminent. Time is shorter than they expected.

"Keep up, you lot!"

Moneypenny moves into cover, perfectly camouflaged against the scrub. Aware that time is of the essence, she signals her men to get a move on. The snooker was running late earlier and not even a Bond film is enough to delay the evening news. 

"Oof - heavy!"

Minion squad #1 take over moving the Thermidor Device. Six strong minions prove much more adept at shifting the heavy unit than two weedy scientists and they heave it towards the door of the chamber.

Minion suad #2 defends as ninja driver moves to the truck

While Minion squad #2 keep guard, one of the ninjas makes his way toward the truck. He's remembered to bring a cushion with him so when he's driving he can see out of the front window. One of the reasons ninjas are so good at hiding is that they tend to be very small. 

"Take that, you dog!"

Bond leaps from the top of the deep fat fryer, facing off with Odd-Dog, and raises his fists. Odd-Dog grins, and raises his paws in response.

On the floor below, it is clear the props department have made an error. The specification for the stairs down from the first floor should have read 'stairs, wooden, height:18ft' but has been misinterpreted as 'stairs, wooden, height: 18in'. The ninja in the factory smiles. He may no loner be able to get to the upper floor to deal with Bond, but those tiny stairs are perfect for him to hide behind. 

"Get that Device into the truck- now!"

Fishfinger exits his office and barks and order to Minion squad #1. The Thermidor Device needs to be taken to the dock, and time is running out. Nothing will stop the news being broadcast on schedule. The sounds of dog and man fighting on the floor above are clearly apparent, and the scientists wonder what to do, only slightly reassured that the stairs between floors don't reach that far and they might yet survive to the end of the film. 

Ninja driver approaches truck

Seat cushion at the ready, driver ninja runs to the cab of the truck.

A boat approaches

As Act 2 begins, a Tramp Steamer, the SS Unsinkable II, approaches. Its captain has orders to sail it to the dock. Despite the size difference between the boat and the jetty, this will be perfectly safe, he has been assured. A container labelled "Machine Parts" will soon be ready to be urgently loaded aboard.

A burst of action proves effective

Before Odd-Dog can act, Bond attacks. With one fist striking Odd-Dog's jaw on the right and a burst of action delivering the other to the left, the Korean Alsatian proves no equal to 007 in boxing, and falls unconscious to the floor.

Bond contemplates arming himself with the lethal bone, but the idea is clearly ridiculous. Odd-Dog's hat is even more useless as a weapon.

On board the SS Unsinkable II, Minion squad #4 ready themselves for action.

"Take careful aim..."

The commander of Minion squad #4 orders his women to the starboard side of the boat where they have a clear line of sight at the assault troopers, who are still struggling up the beach. They open fire from behind, wounding one of the officers and killing one man.

"Smile please"

Minion squad #4 pose for a publicity shot in the midst of filming.

The set designers really have excelled themselves today

Minion Squad #2 advance down the main road toward the enemy.

"It's a simple question of perspective..."

The scientists contemplate the situation. Those stairs might look large, but they know they're really only 18" tall and in the wrong position. Small, not far away, obviously. The ninja is perfectly hidden behind them, an ambush set should Bond decide to leap down from above. 

Fishfinger contemplates an ambush from the other side, but the stairs are much too small for him to hide behind.

The scientists, content that they have solved this conundrum, shake their heads at the evident stupidity of everyone else. 

"Quick - take cover!"

Minion squad #2, aware that in the middle of the road they are in direct shooting line of the assault troopers, leap over the wall to their left and open fire from behind cover.

[sound effects of gunfire]

A firefight breaks out, but the strong stone walls provide excellent protection for both sides.

[special effects: gunfire, smoke, flying bits of wall]

It's an impasse as heads and guns of both sides pop briefly in and out of cover and the walls take the brunt of the gunfire.

"Attention: this vehicle is leversing"

As the Thermidor device is moved out of the factory building, driver ninja, stretching to see the rear view mirrir, carefully backs the truck into position.

Assault Unit #2 take position behind the wall

In an attempt to break the impasse, Assault Unit #2 advances across the road, taking a position behind a wall with direct firing line toward the minions opposing them.

[more exciting sounds of gunfire and accompanying special effects]

The firefight continues, but this time the minions find themselves vulnerable. Despite their best efforts, their commander is wounded and another falls to the relentless gunfire of the assault troopers. Terry and Bob are grateful for the additional cover of the wall where a bend in the road intervenes. 

Crunk! [Ninja driver changes into first gear] 

But the minions' efforts have been successful. Delaying the enemy's advance, there is time to safely load the Thermidor Device aboard the truck, which now starts to move off toward the dock.

"Squad, advance!"

Minion squad #3 emerge from the harbourmaster's hut and advance into the village. The truck will be arriving soon and they will be needed to provide protection.

The boat approaches

As the boat advances toward the dock, Minion squad #4 disembark.

Minion squad #4 disembark

They advance into the cover of the rocky shore edge, cutting off the escape route of the assault troopers.

The troopers are in danger of being surrounded

With minions ahead and behind them, it is now the assault troopers' turn to feel vulnerable.

Meanwhile, upstairs, nothing much happens

After several rounds of trying to think of an appropriate witticism, and contemplating what to do next, Bond approaches the top of the stairway only to find the stairs are no longer there. Well, they are, but they are off to one side and end a long way below the ceiling. Bond doesn't like heights much, particularly when he might be falling from them.

"Bless you, my children..."

Meanwhile, Moneypenny thinks of a cunning plan to get past the minions. Using her handy disguise kit, she pulls her wetsuit momentarily inside out so that she looks uncannily like a nun. She makes the sign of the cross as she walks up the street while the minions unsuspectingly nod and reverently doff their berets in respect.

Moneypenny takes position

Stealing the scene, Moneypenny arrives opposite the factory entrance just as the Thermidor device is loaded into the truck. She has avoided the minions, but is not quite close enough to use another handy gadget to take out the vehicle.

"You're no nun!"

Just in time, the commander of Minion squad #2 realises their mistake. No nun would have such neatly-shaved legs, surely. She leaps into action, crossing the road, and shoots Moneypenny, who falls to the ground.

That ought to make up for me looking like an idiot earlier, she thinks.

"That's not a wall!"

Behind, all is not well for Assault Unit #1. The wall they have taken cover behind turns out to actually be made of polystyrene, and falls over, leaving them vulnerably exposed. Facing them, minions Terry and Bob spot a likely opportunity and open fire.

"Squad into position!"

As the truck pulls away, Minion squad #1 take up a defensive stance.

The truck heads off as fast as possible

Time is short - the news will be on soon - so ninja driver steps on the acceleratoras hard as he can while staying on the driver's seat. Resisting the urge to crash the truck dramatically into a polystyrene wall, he focuses on the key objective. 

The producer is simply thankful that the props department made the road wide enough for the truck to move along.

The boat arrives at the dock

The boat moves up to the dock in what appears at first like a Jurassic Park 2 situation. But it's OK, the water here is obviously deep enough and the boat's neither out of control nor filled with T Rexes. The boat successfully docks, and Minion squad #3 move back to provide cover for the transfer of the Thermidor Device (sorry, "Machine Parts") when the truck arrives. Surely nothing can stop Fishfinger's dastardly plan now?

Fishfinger steals the scene at the last moment, drawing two countdown cards, bringing the film to its finale at last, and drawing the first finale card. It's the cliffhanger. The game will end after this turn (don't say we didn't warn you - not even a Bond film can stop the news being on time). 

"AAARGH!" [accompanied by squeaky sounds of polystyrene] 

Making the most of the situation, Fishfinger's minions open fire again. This time, Terry and Bob's bullets fail to bounce off polystyrene and the assault squad captain falls to the ground. As does what remains of the wall.

Ninja driver accelerates as hard as he can...

Relentlessly, the ninja driver drives the truck as fast as possible toward the dock. But it's not going to get there before the evening news comes on. And so, in a true cliffhanger ending, the credits roll and the audience are left wondering how the film ended. Did Fishfinger succeed in his dastardly plan? Did the truck arrive at the dock? Did Bond find a way to get downstairs?

Perhaps these questions will be answered in the next reimagined Bond film, coming to a blog near you soon...

CREDITS

Players:

Fishfinger and his Minions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Howard Bishop

Moneypenny, MI6 and James Bond   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Alan Hall

Models:

James Bond, Fishfinger, Odd-Dog and Minions . . . . . . . . . . . . . Crooked Dice Miniatures

MI6 Assault Troops. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Wargames Foundry

Ninjas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Dixon Miniatures

Moneypenny's body and head . . . . . . . Hasslefree Miniatures, Crooked Dice Miniatures

Odd-Dog's hat and lethal bone. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Green Stuff

Scenery scratch-built by the author from cardboard, MDF and various other rubbish

7TV2 Spy-Fi game from Crooked Dice, with custom card for Odd-Dog produced for this episode from the 7TV Studios Casting Agency. 

THE END

"Nearly there, just a few more m..."

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