Or
Captain Flash and Timmy the Dog's Misguided Polar
Expedition to Belgium
The account below
(which follows three perilous adventures during the above expedition, played
out with much mayhem and laughter at Wargames Illustrated's 7TV Day IV: Pulptastic! Event,
using the new 7TV2 Pulp rules) is taken directly from the journal of the leader of that
expedition. No apology is made for any reference or use of language that may,
in our more enlightened circumstances, seem inappropriate.
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| The Flash Expedition |
The Cast:
Captain
"Flash" Flashheart, (Intrepid Adventurer, Star), who due to a series
of preposterous events, is now hopelessly lost somewhere on the way to Belgium
via the south pole;
Timmy the Dog,
(Lesser Animal Companion, Extra), loyal husky and Flash's best friend;
Allan Quartermain,
(Big Game Hunter, Co-Star), who is hoping to find evidence of the existence of,
and shoot, strange beasts such as abominable snowmen, dinosaurs, giant
lobsters, or the mythical arctic apetopus of legend, or penguins;
Dr Dakanalis, a
medical doctor (Extra);
An Officer of the SS
Unsinkable II (Army Officer, Extra), leader of the shore party protecting the
explorers; and
Three Marines (Army
Privates, Extras) from the SS Unsinkable II, who are prepared for icy arctic
temperatures, and therefore frequently extremely hot.
Chapter One: Darkest Africa
A great game against
Mike Marshall's Mobius cast, made exceptional by the combination of the
scenario objectives and the randomly selected Doomsday
Device peril card.
From the Journal of Captain Flash
It is some weeks
since the unanticipated disaster that befell the SS Unsinkable II and despite
having now dried everything out, our polar expedition has been particularly
challenging since we determined to continue on foot. Despite thorough planning
we were not best prepared for making our way to the south pole, and Belgium
beyond, via deepest Africa. As the jungles of the Belgian Congo became
increasingly impenetrable we were soon forced to abandon the dog sleds and skis
and continue with the barest essentials: basic supplies, a few cans of Timmy's
favourite brand of pemmican, a bottle of sun cream, a small cocktail cabinet
and, of course, the pianola that Quartermain so likes to play in the evenings.
On the way, we came across some friendly natives who, despite not knowing the
way to the real Belgium (which reminds me, I must have a word soon with
Quartermain about his geography knowledge) advised us that some distance ahead
there was a temple which contained something very valuable and evidently worth
adventuring for, and apparently some foreign Johnny by the name of Doctor
Mobius was already leading his own expedition there. So of course being British
we couldn't let the Germans get there first and rapidly made haste in that
direction.
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| Advancing through the ruined city in the jungle |
With faithful Timmy
at my side, we fought our way through dense vegetation covering what appeared
to be the remains of some ancient ruined city. There ahead of us was the
temple. By Jove, I thought, we've beaten the Krauts to it! We could see various
shiny glowing things lying around, and set out to take them as quickly as
possible, despite the strange electrical humming emanating
from each one of them. I picked one of them up without hesitation.
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| The Army advance, with Quartermain behind |
On the right,
Quartermain aimed for another such treasure and tried to work out how to pick
it up, while the troops protected his flank.
 |
| Germans |
Then, in the
distance we saw the Germans. They were a strange-looking bunch. On one side,
Doctor Mobius, unmistakable because of his evil mastermind looks and shock of
white typical-mad-scientist hair, accompanied by a strange-looking and
unfamiliar dog (German breed, no doubt) and a rather shabby-looking butler, who
was totally ineffective, and we found out later was called Jarvis. Beside them, a rather butch German girl
wearing an unusual armour/underwear combination, and a hunchback with bad teeth
who went by the name of Igor and smelt of sauerkraut. Altogether rather
terrifying. Out of shot, on the opposite side, a doctor and some sort of
mechanical German were coming for us the long way round.
And sneaking about on the far right, in a rather fetching red body suit, a stunning young filly with particularly impressive equipment. Well, I thought, lucky for you, young lady, that I'm on the other side of the river, otherwise who knows what might have happened! Well, I do! Woof!
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| Woof! |
Anyway. She let off
a couple of shots at our brave boys and one of them dropped dead (no stamina,
these young privates, you know). And then Maria (that was the name of the
rather butch girl) was in hand to hand with the Army officer.
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| [deep voice] "Ja, mein name ist Maria" |
We advanced, and
Timmy, being a brave and rather clever dog, leapt up to the top of a wall where
another of these glowing things was, and tried to make off with it. Tricky
though that is for a dog (no hands to pick them up with, you understand). Well,
in a jiffy the German dog (possibly some kind of dachshund, I think) popped up
there too and there was a bit of a scrap, in which Timmy (despite being not
particularly partial to bratwurst) took a big bite out of the hund.
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| "Woof!" ... "Vuff!" |
The humming got
suddenly louder and there was an almighty explosion of force from each of the
glowing objects, which stunned many of those who were too close to them. The
dogs fell over. The robot fell over. The red bombshell fell over. Quartermain
fell over. Being used to enormous explosions, of course, I remained totally
unaffected and approached the mad German scientist.
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| Confronting the master villain |
"So, Doctor
Mobius, we meet for the first time!" I announced, with some panache. And
there was another explosion, which I of course ignored, as the robot fell over
again. Timmy, this time, managed to stay on his feet, and leapt bravely at the
defenceless stunned German dog which he unceremoniously dispatched.
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| Maria on the attack |
Quartermain (who had
by now put down the pianola) managed to stay standing too, and rushed to
replace the captain (who had been beaten off by Maria's impressive right hook),
while one of the privates (and the red bombshell) fell over again.
 |
| "Ich vant a hug!" |
Not Quartermain's
best decision, it turned out. Maria duly grabbed him and the private and gave
them a big (typically German) hug. The kind of hug that crushes your ribs so
much it makes you forget that you are allowed to make rolls to try and escape
on subsequent turns.
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| The robot stands up |
The robot stood up
again and Doctor Mobius sneered at me. "Not sure I like what you've done
to your hair," I quipped, cracking my whip for effect. And then, when I
was distracted by the robot falling over again, he just ran away, grabbed one of
the shiny things, and headed off home. No sport at all, these Germans!
 |
| Off the table we go |
Timmy (lacking
opposable thumbs, unable to pick up his own shiny thing) gave chase to the
fleeing Doctor while the robot, who had got up again, followed. At this time my attention
was on Igor (who had apparently already died but came back because nobody
seemed to have noticed), who had come in range of my whip. One crack and he was tied
up and far too close to me than any man should be. I assume that he was a man, anyway. The
smell of sauerkraut was the biggest giveaway. Too slowly, the robot began to
chase after Timmy, and I bravely retired with my own shiny thing and a smelly
hunchback in tow to safety.
All was nearly over,
now, but the enemy had one trick up their sleeve. In an attempt to deny us the
satisfaction of having captured one of their number (in what has to be described
as typically German spoilsport attitude) Igor activated one of his deadly exploding
teeth, which fizzed a bit but had no appreciable effect. Probably gone off, maybe because of all
that sauerkraut.
And so we held the
enemy off, in a glorious British draw.
Chapter Two: At The Mountains of Madness
Another really fun
game, this time on some exceptional terrain, an Antarctic base containing a
dark Cthulhoid secret, constructed by Sam, who was seeking a polar-themed cast
to face off against, hence the match-up. The single objective set for the
scenario was to get three cast members, one of whom must be a star or co-star,
into the control room. And... Action!
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| 10/10 for attention to detail, Sam |
From the Journal of Captain Flash
I don't know if
anyone can truly appreciate how good it feels for a polar explorer to finally
get out of deepest Africa and arrive in the Antarctic. Few can understand how
much those oilskins chafe in the tropics. My privates know what I mean (and
not just the three in the army!)
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| The Germans have arrived |
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| A wider shot showing the whole table setup |
Anyway, imagine my
horror when we arrive in this underground polar bunker to find we're only just
ahead of another bunch of Germans. Lord knows I can't help it if I'm
attractive, but you'd think they would learn. So we find ourselves underground
in some tunnels.
 |
| True to trope, the party decides to split up |
Quartermain and the
Army (who still haven't been able to tell me what they had to do to get away
from the butch German woman) head off in one direction and do some exploring.
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| "Mr Quartermain, can you see anything down there?" |
Timmy, the Doctor
and I go off in the other direction, to find one of the Germans coming down the
main stairs ahead of us. It's a woman with two pets: a large, very old and
singularly indescribable Thing, and a horrific, small, non-Euclidean penguin.
Terrifying.
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| "What's that, Timmy? You can smell Germans up ahead?" |
She's got the jump
on us and while she heads with her penguin towards the control room she leaves
the Thing hiding in the shadows behind. And a few more Germans make their way
down the stairs.
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| The Germans ignore us completely |
Well, enough of
this! I think, and take a pot shot at one of them, who duly falls over dead.
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| "That should get their attention!" |
At about this time
Quartermain does something useful for a change. Somehow he's found his way into
the control room while nobody was looking, and he lurks there behind the door.
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| The cunning Mr Quartermain gets to the control room first |
Timmy the dog
bravely approaches the Thing, and then very quickly comes back towards me for a
bit of rough and tumble. "What's up, old boy?" I ask, but I can tell
by the strange red glow in his eyes and the saliva dripping from his jaws and
the way he is trying to bite my head off that he has a bit of a problem.
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| Timmy, dominated by the Thing, attacks Flash, to no effect |
Nothing a
traditional British clout around the ears can't fix, though.
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| Confrontation in the control room |
In the control room,
Quartermain is approached by the German woman, who gives him the look. But
Quartermain's not going to fall for her German charms. Partly because he's
British, but mainly because in the evenings he just prefers playing the
pianola. And then without any warning he is attacked by a small penguin with
its devastating "peck/fall over" attack. And of course he
falls over.
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| "I can tell you're a lady who likes it rough!" |
I, in the meantime,
with Timmy back on side, approach the Thing and whip it into submission. I've
had plenty of practice at this sort of thing at Madame Frisky's in Paris and
despite the size, age and general indescribability of the Thing I could tell she
knew a good time too.
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| Quartermain fails to stand up. |
Timmy ran past to
give Quartermain a hand (a paw, at least). He'd tried to stand up again but the
penguin had pecked him again and over he went, while back in the stair room I
shot a couple of Germans to relieve the boredom.
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| "Let's see if you can knock over a real man!" |
As Quartermain stood
up and was pecked down again, and Timmy took up a defensive position in the
control room, I calmly approached down the corridor, subdued Thing alongside,
to face off this new German filly who was giving Quartermain such penguin trouble.
I heard the Army officer bag another German behind me; didn't realise I'd missed
one of them.
You know I probably
ought to advise Quartermain that he might be better able to stand on the icy
floor if he wasn't carrying that pianola.
Quartermain
stood up and was again pecked down by the penguin as, swiftly deploying my
weapon, I dispatched the girl without the least difficulty. Which left me one
small step from entering the control room to claim victory....
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| Victory is but one small step away... |
The screen goes black. After a short pause, some
fateful letters in white capitals appear:
WE APOLOGISE FOR THE
FAULT IN TRANSMISSION. NORMAL SERVICE WILL RESUME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. IN THE
MEANTIME, HERE IS SOME RATHER INANE BUT IN OUR OPINION INOFFENSIVE MUSIC.
When the TV returns, the six-o'clock news has
started. Apparently a German is doing very well in the tennis. There is no
mention of how the TV show ended (but we all know it was because of that
fateful Cliffhanger Card...)
Chapter Three: Belgium
After a long story
of increasingly unlikely and unexplained events, Flash's expedition find
themselves approaching the Museum of
Natural History in Brussels, Belgium, equipped with explosives with which to
destroy a doomsday device under the protection of Matt Spooner's mob of Chicago
gangsters. It all makes sense, honest.
From the Journal of Captain Flash
At last, we have
arrived in Belgium, and I have revealed the secret mission behind all of our
adventuring to the men. I admit it did surprise them a little, especially when
I explained that the doomsday weapon is an oversized triceratops. I knew they
wouldn't understand.
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| Le musee |
Anyway, with British
resolve, they all got on with their jobs as usual. This time, Quartermain was a
lot better prepared after being convinced to leave the pianola in Antarctica.
We'd learned from some local natives that the manholes in the cobbled street
outside the building led to the underground chambers where the doomsday weapon
had ben assembled, so managed to avoid all the trouble of using our appalling
French to attempt to buy tickets to get into the museum.
With absolutely no
idea where the tunnels beneath the manholes would lead us, the Army unit took
the one on the right and Timmy, Quartermain, the Doctor and I took the one on
the left.
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| In the chambers beneath the museum |
The army appeared
suddenly and duly opened fire on two surprised gangsters who were dispatched
with unusual efficiency.
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| Team Flash arrives, under enemy fire |
We arrived in a more open area to find ourselves being
shot at, and one of the cheeky blighters winged me. I backed off to one side so
the Doctor could fix me up while Timmy shot off like a dog and dispatched
the gangster while Quartermain, who hadn't fallen over yet, turned and shot the
other one at point blank range with his elephant gun. They're going to need to
redecorate.
With unexpected military precision, the Army chaps burst into the adjacent chamber where the mob boss and one of his men were sitting at a large and rather flimsy looking table. "What the? Whos are yous boys?" the mob boss spluttered between chews of his cigar, as the three privates each in turn rolled a grenade across the table toward their enemy (who, I must point out, for a pleasant change turned out not to be German).
It is incredible how much protection a flimsy wooden table can provide in these situations. We had to steal the scene and (saving some money by using stock footage) chuck in another three grenades to dispatch both of them in the end.
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| A remarkably durable table |
The action was so
fast there wasn't time to take enough photographs. But the last four mobsters
grouped themselves close together at the end of the corridor to stop our final
advance towards the triceratops.
As the Army moved
into the corridor, the gangsters realised that they had positioned three of
their number close enough together to be hit by one grenade. Sometimes it is
more satisfying to be wrong. One of the gangsters managed to get away as a
single grenade exploded, leaving two defenders present.
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| A massive triceratops |
With a clear path to
the oversized dinosaur (and my goodness it was a big one) Timmy and I rushed
through to place the charges.
I'd just like at this point to note that it really is a wonder of American/Belgian ingenuity that they got the triceratops in this small room. It clearly does not fit through the door and unless there is a way to lift the museum off I doubt if you could get it in through the roof. it is a good job these rooms have such high ceilings. Which means that either (1) it was hatched here - which seems extremely unlikely as there's no way that much triceratops food could be brought into a museum without some Belgian detective or reporter suspecting something unusual was going on or (2) it's an animatronic triceratops built by someone who doesn't appreciate scale plans. This seems more believable, but I wonder at how effective such a doomsday weapon it would be, really. Being that it is stuck in a room under a museum in Belgium.
Anyway, back to the adventure.
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| "It's just you and me now, Floyd. And a giant triceratops." |
We were very lucky - although the gangsters were
axed, with a roll of a six the action continued into the Finale. Sprayed with
machine-gun bullets (which all seemed to hit me rather than Timmy), we duly set our
charges off and the room was filled with exploding dinosaur bits. Hurrah!
End Credits
Massive appreciation
and thanks to Wayne for organising and to Wargames Foundry for hosting the day,
which I understand was the largest 7TV event ever. Thanks also to the Edge Hill
team who came along to watch, advise and enjoy the games, and of course Karl
without whom this game would not exist at all; and of course also to all the
players - quite honestly the friendliest and best bunch of gamers I have ever
had the joy to be part of. So much fun.
