If you ask me, Flanagan, there's a lot of very peculiar blokes on this beach: Trump's On A Plane

This time, there's a price toupee..

Yes, Trump's on a plane. Air Force One, in fact. But the flight's not quite turning out the way he expected it to.

He was accompanied on board by British Secret Service, who were very politely providing his protective escort. They enjoyed his eloquent conversation and razor sharp wit, and shared a glass of his special concoction before they retired to get some sleep on the flight. All was going fine until then.

He woke up some time later to the sound of gunfire, and realised his head was unusually cold. His hairpiece was missing. That's not great, he thought. In fact, it's not nice. But I know some things are great and some things are not nice. So, I ask myself two things. Number one, in any gunfire situation in Air Force One, which I know is really a Boing, what's nice is when the president looks great. And Number Two, for him to look great, and nice, the president's hair ought to be in the right place. Pouting his lips, he opened one eye, and looked around. The coast was clear, so he risked opening the other as well. As quiet as a golf course on a Monday, he thought. Except without all the golfers. He made to stand up. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a lot more tricky than usual. I'm the President, he thought, I ought to be able to move. Hell, I'm a great mover. I mean, I walk great when I don't get driven. Or fly in my Boing. And I can run great, too. Like I ran for president. But this time his thoughts failed to make any change in reality, so he pouted again, thinking. He simply couldn't move easily, so he worked through the possibilities. After cleverly deducing that he hadn't been paralysed, he concluded he must have eaten too much the night before and put on a few pounds. But no, that wasn't right either. Maybe Mel had done his corset up too tight again. No, she wasn't here, he realised. And he'd stopped wearing the corset some time ago anyway after that meeting with Mr Shatner. He frowned, and thought hard. So why am I wearing an unfamiliar corset on the outside of my suit? And then it suddenly dawned on him that it wasn't a corset at all, it was an explosive vest. Well I knew it couldn't have been a corset, he thought, with some relief. He fiddled with it for a moment, but couldn't work out how to get it off. He racked his brains. I don’t remember anything like this being on my schedule.

Hang on.

Explosive vest?

"Aaaargh! Help!" the president cried, running around aimlessly. "I'm going to explode! Help me, someone, don't let your president detonate!

This is the narrative of a 7TV2 episode designed for solo play during lockdown. Yes, it's rather silly, but it works, and it's quite fun, and it is a bit of a challenge to beat the game. It follows in the spirit of my Fantastic Voyage and Ghostbusters games described on this blog - see the links on the right if you're interested. As with Fantastic Voyage, Trump's On A Plane is split into several different posts. This one presents the game narrative of a single play-through of the episode, while there is another one that sets out the rules adjustments for the scenario to enable 7TV2 solo play. In time, there may even be one about how to build your own Air Force One. But that's enough of that. Back to the narrative.

Hiding in the front of the plane, Steed and Emma Peel listened to President Trump's incoherent screams interspersed with the sounds of a large man running into overhead lockers and items of furniture.

"We're needed, Mrs Peel," Steed smoothly announced.

"Yes," Emma responded. "I suppose something like this was inevitable. The mission to get Trump out of the country fast and without incident would otherwise have been far too simple."

"Look on the positive side," Steed smiled. "At least he's too busy worrying about his explosive vest to talk to us any more, and while we're hiding here we're not in danger of being overpowered by his aftershave. All I can say is thank goodness for the bourbon. I don't think I could have lasted much longer without it."

Emma smiled. "Steed," she responded, "That wasn't bourbon. Mr Trump's a teetotaller. I think it was Dettol."

"Well that would explain the taste," Steed continued, doing his best to remain suave. "At the time, it seemed impolite to ask."

"Don't you think," she continued, "That we ought to get out of this cramped compartment we're hiding in and do something about the terrorists who have hijacked the plane?"

"Yes, you're right, Mrs Peel," Steed agreed, doffing his bowler hat as he stepped out from between the communications equipment and offered her his hand. "Allow me…"

What follows is the narrative, told in pictures, of a single play through of one game of Trump's On A Plane. I've not given any explanations of the rules or the gameplay here, just the action. If you want to read more about how it was done, please refer to my other post.

AND NOW, IN ONE OF MANY POSSIBLE OUTCOMES OF THIS EPISODE...

"We're needed, Mrs Peel..."

In amongst the communications equipment, Emma and Steed are ready to go, while up above, Mexican terrorists have taken over Air Force One.

The smell of aftershave is unmistakeable

La Ninja, checking that the President's personal physician Dr Wiley is securely tied, is surprised to find that President Trump is also in the room, panicking as he tries to find a way to get out of the explosive vest he's been strapped in. She can tell by the strength of his aftershave that she should not linger. At the rear of the plane her sister, La Otra, who suffers from air sickness, is using the bathroom while minions joke among themselves about Mr Trump in the crew area..

"You know why Muslims are as worried about the POTUS as us Mexicans? Because once you deport Juan you deport Jamal."

At the rear of the plane her sister, La Otra, who suffers from air sickness, is using the bathroom while minions joke among themselves about Mr Trump in the crew area.

"He can't screw me like this. Not again."

In the presidential suite, two minions play cards while Horny Spaniels, tied to the bed, once again regrets her involvement with Mr Trump.

"These gringos will pay! Mwahaha!"

And in the conference room, the leader of the terrorists, Colonel Loco, gloats about his plan to two of his failthful henchmen.

"What ees eet? A hamster?"

Three of the Mexicans, in the staff room, have found an unfamiliar object on the table. It might be a wig. One of them cautiously prods it with his rifle.

"I wonder what that strange hissing sound is?"

Steed and Emma decide to move upstairs as quickly as they are able instead, but Steed lags behind. He can hear a strange noise that seems to come from the hold. A noise like the hissing of snakes. Very odd.

Terrorists abound on the main deck of Air Force One

Emma listens as some of the terrorists move around on Air Force One's main deck. La Ninja and two minions are approaching the galley, where Emma hides in the stairwell. Have they heard her?

"Snakes! I hate snakes!"

Colonel Loco definitely hears something and moves towards the door of the conference room. As he reaches for the door handle a snake drops unexpectedly on him from a vent above the door. He jumps back in shock, and beats the snake off, and is squirms beneath the drinks cabinet. Snakes on a plane? Preposterous!

"Real great. What idiot made all these Mexicans so angry anyway?"

President Trump is not a happy man. His frustration with this stubborn explosive vest makes him burst into action, and he runs out of the medical room, back into the presidential suite (without a thought for Miss Spaniels), through the office and back out again, into the galley, down the stairs, and all the way through the hold until, exhausted, he reaches the bulk cargo area of the bottom deck and realises all this running about is achieving is making him sweat more. Unfortunately his antics have alerted the terrorists to Steed and Emma's presence, and they are sure to attack imminently.

"Whoops!" SMACK!!

Obviously the set must have been put together in a bit of a hurry, La Ninja realises, as she slips on something (was that a banana skin?) and slides into one of the doors where she falls over. Emma tells Steed to wait below and avert his eyes, while she hurriedly slips into her handy disguise kit, and then exploits the confusion as mistaken for a terrorist she positions herself perfectly for a surprise judo attack.

"We must stop meeting like this..."

The terrorists run towards their enemy - or at least where they think their enemies are. Ignoring the disguised Emma, they close in on Steed and a fight breaks out at the foot of the stairs. Steed defends with his umbrella and quickly but politely dispatches his assailant.

"Hi-yaa!"

Emma, surrounded by minions, announces her presence with a whirlwind roundhouse attack that takes out two minions and the unfortunate ninja. One minion stubbornly resists.

Air Force One finds itself with a snake at the controls instead of a pilot.

Up on the flight deck it's fortunate that Air Force One has been put on autopilot. Relaxing in the pilot's seat, one unfortunate minion dicovers that his safety belt is actually a snake. His panic causes the snake to promptly (and lethally) bite him.

It's behind you....

Colonel Loco has finally founf the sname, and stamped on it. His bulk is more than enough to dispatch it. A henchman approaches to congratulate him, when a second snake drops out of the vent onto his head, and disappears down the back of his jacket. In moments the unfortunate henchman is killed in the kind of scene that would never happen in a film, surely.

This sort of thing does not happen in many films (or games).

The hairpiece has found its way through the air conditioning into the hold where, surrounded by snakes, it blows around to no particular effect...

"My fellow Ameri.. er.. Mexicans..."

...while the President rushes up to the main deck. Finding himself surrounded by an audience (despite their being terrorists) he makes a short speech. Dumfounded, the terrorists listen to this confused babbling as they gradually succumb to the effects of his aftershave.

"So you think you can creep up on me from behind, do you? Take that! And that!

While Steed waits below, Helga Saurkraut, the jackbooted sadist has at last made an appearance in the film, attacking Mrs Peel froim the rear, but to no effect. In response Emma launches a judo attack, putting extra effort into her kicks. In two short, sharp blows to an appropriate part of the body, Colonel Loco's neo-nazi sidekick is felled.

"Heh, heh! She might not have crept up on you, but I did!"

But as Emma wipes her hands of Fraulein Sauerkraut, the minion chooses his moment to strike her down with his cosh, and stunned, she drops to the ground. Another minion joins the fray and Emma ends up badly wounded, and dangerously vulnerable.

It'll take more than that to keep Emma Peel down

But Emma is quick to snap out of it. She rolls to the side and kicks the troublesome minion between the legs and into touch as she stands. Steed cautiously climbs the stairs and enters the galley.

Donald tweets: 'I'm recommending a total shutdown on Mexican terrorists on Air Force One'

The President eventually runs out of things to say, so decides to tweet about Mexicans instead. His audience, although still a little dazed and confused, and weakened by his aftershave, regain their senses and the mass that has gathered in the corridor duly press on with their attack. Closing in on Emma, they surround her. She resists most of their attacks, but a final blow connects and she falls stunned again. Yet more minions flood through the corridor towards her. Colonel Loco finally clears the conference room of snakes, but the last snake retreats back into the vent, only to reappear on the other side of the wall and into the midst of the steady increasing flow of minions.

Minions take cover in a harey situation

It is at this precise moment that the Toupee suddenly explodes out of the air conditioning into the corridor and flaps about uncontrollably around Emma's assailants, all but one of whom take to the ground for cover.

As usual, the President is oblivious to the chaos all around

Somehow, the President walks past all of this and into the conference room, where Colonel Loco does all he can to withstand the assault of aftershave. Then, for some reason best known to the film director, who may have previously worked on too many slapstick productions (or Tom Cruise films), there is an explosion in the corridor, and the fallen minions and the standing thug find themselves unexpectedly on fire.

"Dr Wiley, I presume?"

Emma takes full advantage of the situation, recovers, stands and delivers a roundhouse blow to everyone around her. All burning minions fall, but the thug is made of stronger stuff, and merely beats the fire on his clotihing out. Behind him, unseen, Steed sneaks around into the medical room and unties Dr Wiley, who joins our heroes in their mission.

"Mrs Peel - we meet at last!"

While the minions in the corridor find themselves preoccupied with snakes, Colonel Loco and his bodyguard emerge from the conference room and join the attack on Emma. The Colonel's fist makes contact, and weakens Emma, but she just manages to keep her footing, and returns the blow, in the process knocking out one of the thugs and stunning the other, while the toupee flaps about inconsequentially in the breeze from the air conditioning.

"Looks like Mrs Peel has everything under control as usual."

Steed emerges from the medical room with the doctor, who has his first aid kit handy, and as the minions in the corridor finally dispose of the snakes blocking their path, Emma again attacks, her fury disposing of the stunned thug and wounding Colonel Loco again.

"Don't you I think it's time to give up now, old chap?"

While Dr Wiley tends Emma's wound, Steed moves in and taps the Colonel on the shoulder. As the Colonel glances in his direction, he smiles, and delivers a satisfying final blow with his umbrella on the Colonel's head, knocking him out.

"Emma, did you see where the President went?"

Knowing that they have won the day, our heroes finish off the minions around them and retire into the conference room. With their cast now axed, the remaining terrorists realise all is lost and duly give themselves up. Steed picks up the receiver of the hotline phone to the White House. "It's all under control here," he reports. "The terrorists have been overcome, Colonel Loco is captured, and the hostages are safe. The President, you ask? Well, he was here a moment ago...."