Dr Sno: A Bond Film for 7TV2

Promotional shot from the set of Dr Sno

"Mwahaha!"

Doktor Sno rubbed his hands together in the way that aspiring megalomaniacs do on the threshold of their greatest moment. Every element of his diabolical masterplan was coming together perfectly. Except, he reflected, his name. He'd always thought that Dr Brian Snowflake wasn't a particularly good name for a mastervillain, which was why he'd decided to lose the Brian, shorten the surname to something much more sinister, and change the conventional yet boring c in Doctor to a mysterious, enigmatic k. A considerable improvement, certainly, though still not nearly dastardly enough. But that could be dealt with later. What mattered now was delivery of the final element of his masterplan: taking possession of the dimensional technology contained in the crashed alien spacecraft.

He reflected on his pathway to megalomania. Having a fascination with all things scientific since being a small child had been an excellent start. The fact that he had always been small and worn thick-rimmed glasses from an early age meant that as well as actually being a nerd he looked particularly nerdy too, and was constantly bullied as a result. This drove him as intensely into his scientific hobbies as it fuelled his desire for revenge. And meting out that vengeance on the school bullies, through occasional freak accidents, rare medical conditions and unexpected explosions gave him a few moments of joy to reflect upon. His passion had led him to doctorates in theoretical physics, materials science and cybernetics, and his research to the discovery and practical use of Ice-5¾, a stable meta-polymorphic, multi-dimensional form of water that would revolutionise engineering if its secrets were made generally known. He'd made enough money from various minor patents, and staying in every night for so many years, that he'd been able to set up his own laboratory and create an obedient and efficient robotic workforce to do his bidding. After that, intercepting and deciphering the communications between Dept X and the interdimensional aliens had been child's play - and enacting the final elements of his plan would be simplicity itself. Nothing can stop him now.

"Mwahaha! Nothing can stop me now!", he practised again, rubbing his hands together for extra effect.

This is the narrative and after action report of the first in an alternative possible sequence of Bond films, which I've been planning for a long time but haven't had a chance to sort out because of a combination of the Coronavirus situation and general laziness. So this game was played despite lockdown with the aid of Zoom, a handy little camera and lighting setup I sorted out, and two enthusiastic volunteers to play the two casts. Many thanks Howard and Al for taking the lead roles. 

A mysterious alien spaceship has crashlanded in the arctic

"Thank you for coming back in to the office, 007," M announced, "I hope it didn't inconvenience you."

Bond wasn't sure whether she was being sarcastic or not, and Q, who was standing by the desk, had a completely blank expression as usual. These things were difficult to tell at the best of times. When you're called back to the office three hours and two bottles of Bollinger into 008's leaving do it was almost impossible. As usual, he decided to bluff it.

"Yesh Ma'am. That ish, no Ma'am," he replied, smiling coyly, raising an eyebrow, and straightening his tuxedo. M stared at him, her expression impenetrable. I wonder, Bond thought, if it's because she wasn't invited…

"We've received a transmission from one of our polar weather stations," she continued. "Ice Station Llama. You might recall that two weeks ago they reported a seismic disturbance in the ice some distance away - possibly a meteorite - and that they planned to investigate. Nothing sinister, but as you know we like to take an interest in these things just in case."

"Now pay attention, 007," Q announced, pointing at a blurry image that appeared on the projector screen behind. "Well, it just so happens that an encoded transmission from the KGB that we intercepted last week mentioned this unidentified celestial object, that was apparently on a trajectory heading towards the earth. It seems that if it didn't burn up in the atmosphere it was likely to crash land in this precise area here. As you can see in the photograph, it's a regular-shaped object, not at all what we would expect for a meteorite."

Bond squinted at the picture. Either it was very fuzzy or his eyes weren't working too well after all that champagne. The brightness was starting to make his head hurt.

"Aliens, of course," Q confidently continued. "We've been monitoring them for a while, hoping to do some sort of collaborative work. You've probably read the reports. Our experts have completed their analysis and concluded three things: (1) that it's likely that the aliens originate from another dimension, (2) they're from a considerably more advanced culture than ours, and (3) they want us to take them to our leader. Or something like that. After several months of hard work GCHQ have at last deciphered their first message: we come in peace. Which is good to know. The last thing we want is war with aliens that are technologically much more advanced than the human race!"

"Unfortunately", M continued, "we haven't heard from Ice Station Llama for over a week. Their last message was a distress signal, weak and garbled and didn't make much sense. Something's gone wrong up there, that's for sure. Some kind of fire or explosion. And it can't be reached, not by a rescue plane. The polar cap is entirely closed in with an ice storm that might last for days or weeks. It's virtually inaccessible. 

Dr Sno poses for a promotional shot

The plan that was hatched some years ago was to make up a series of 7TV2 games featuring James Bond, to be played in the correct sequence. Each film would be (very loosely) based on the original Bond films, as well as taking elements from other films which for some reason seemed appropriate. I'd probably admit that in the end the ideas for the games have diverged so much from the original films that their only real connection is the attempted pun on the film title. 

Bond did not recall any of these reports. The last few weeks had been really tough. He'd been incredibly busy planning 008's retirement party, and hadn't had time for the weekly briefings, which, he would have liked to say, along with all the other briefings, were not brief. He simply hadn't had a chance to read them. Finding a suitable venue had been a nightmare, the champagne order had had to be changed at the last minute (wrong vintage), and he'd wasted three whole weeks trying to convince Moneypenny to do the strippagram to no avail. 

"Yesh Ma'am. That ish, no Ma'am. And Q," he cleverly replied, holding on to the chair back for a moment until the room stopped spinning again. He hated it when rooms did that. M, a serious expression on her face, looked toward him.

"The last Llama transmission cut off before it could be completed, but I will play what we have for you. Do sit down, 007, before you fall over. And take that stupid party hat off."

"Yesh Ma'am, " Bond complied, and fell into the seat, which, it had to be said, was very comfortable. He was aware of similar devious KGB interrogation tricks and concentrated; he'd have to make full use of his skills to stay awake. M pressed a button on a small cassette tape machine that Bond had just noticed was on the desk. Over a crackling background, a panicky voice spoke clearly. Bond listened as best he could as the tape played….

Dr Sno draws from the films Dr No (of course), Ice Station Zebra and The Thing, as well taking ideas from Kurt Vonnegut's novel Cat's Cradle  and the TV series of The Prisoner (for which Patrick McGoohan is probably better known than his role in Ice Station Zebra). Initial ideas to include elements of Frozen and Happy Feet were omitted for artistic reasons. 

There's some Thing alien about that crashed ship...

Essentially, the plot is that a polar weather station has been taken over by an evil genius and his minions, as he searches for valuable technology left in the wreckage of a crashed alien spacecraft. James Bond has his hands full dealing with a dragon-shaped car and an inappropriately dressed scuba diver, while a fearsome alien horror is on the loose. No.6 is wondering why he doesn't finally find a way to finally escape it all.

Bond woke with a start at the precise moment the tape ended with a loud click.

"Are you alright, 007?" M asked. "You didn't fall asleep, did you?"

"I think he may be drunk again, Ma'am," Q sighed.

"No Q, Ma'am. That ish, yesh Ma'am. And Q," he bluffed. "Jusht conshentrating, you undershtand."

"Yes, of course," they both said together, without a hint of sarcasm. 

M continued. "So you'll no doubt understand why a specialist team is needed to respond to this situation."

Bond nodded, and then stopped nodding as the room began to sway again. M was saying something else.

"…and as 008 has officially retired, you're the most experienced agent available to lead the assault team." She pressed a button on the intercom. "Miss Moneypenny, would you please bring 007's false papers in?"

"One queshtion, Ma'am, if you please?" Bond asked. "Can I…"

"No, 007," M interrupted, "You can't take the Aston with you. For one thing, those caviar stains you left on the front seat last time you drove it still haven't come out. And second, it won't fit in the submarine. And take that silly expression off your face now, you can't always have things your own way, you know."

As Bond sulked, Moneypenny came in. Bond looked up and smiled at her with puppy-dog eyes, but she didn't even so much as glance at him. I wonder if something has annoyed her, he thought, as she slammed the papers down on the desk in front of him and stormed out.

Another publicity shot: Snobots advance!

SYNOPSIS

The mysterious scientist and putative supervillain Doktor Sno, accompanied by a force of his cybernetic minions (robotic snowmen, made of Ice-5¾), has travelled to a remote arctic location close to Ice Station Llama with the intent of taking possession of the interdimensional technology within a nearby crash-landed alien spacecraft, to suit his own nefarious purposes. After a short fight, he and his minions have taken over the weather station and have started their search of the area. Pay attention 007, it's all very straightforward.

Dept X, aware only that communications from Ice Station Llama have mysteriously ceased, that an alien craft from another dimension is likely to have crashed nearby, and that the Russians probably know about it, have urgently sent an armed investigation team led by James Bond to sort it all out. By chance they arrive just in the nick of time...

THE CASTS

The Heroic Dept X cast:

James Bond, Agent Double 07 (Star, 10 ratings)

"Mr Jones", Double Agent No.6 (Co-Star, 6 ratings)

Arsula Undress, inappropriately dressed scuba diver (Co-Star, 6 ratings)

X-Commando Captain (Extra, 4 ratings)

8 x X-Commandos (Extras, 3 ratings each)

Total 50 points

The Villanous Snowbot cast:

Doktor Sno, Evil Mastervillain (Star, 10 ratings)

Mr Avalanche, Robotic Sidekick (Co-Star, 6 ratings)

Snowbot Commander (Extra, 4 ratings)

9 x Snowbots (Extras, 3 ratings each; or 3 for 8)

Snobazooka Heavy Weapons Team (Extra, 6 ratings)

Total: 50 points

Two vehicles are also present and available to either cast - the Dragon Tank and a snow tractor.

7TV2 profile cards specific to this game, created from the 7TV Studios Casting Agency, can be downloaded here. 

Dr Sno reviewed the situation. The crew of the weather station had been taken completely by surprise and put up very little resistance. They had been swiftly dealt with, although they had managed to dispose of two of his snobots during the defence. One had strayed too close to the cooker while the second had been clubbed to death with a recently-prepared hot water bottle. He really should do something about their vulnerability to heat, he thought, but they were easily replaced. And so his plan was nearing completion, and all that remained was to remove the alien technology from the crashlanded ship...   

SET-UP

The game was played on a 6ft x 4ft table, most of which is taken to represent open pack ice. Each side started from an opposite corner and that half of the short table edge. Several small buildings and ruins (the remains of the research station after being taken over by Dr Sno) are positioned in the Villainous Cast's starting table corner. A submarine conning tower has burst through the ice in the diagonally opposite table corner where the Heroic Cast start the game. And a surprisingly small crash-landed spaceship, containing the maguffin, is in the centre of the table, with four objective tokens evenly spaced around it.

Screen capture image of the game during play

This was my first attempt to run any sort of tabletop game using Zoom, and it seemed to work rather well. I used three tripod mounted LED lights around the table and set up a master computer looking at me with a partial view of the table, a phone with a view from above the table (Table Cam), a fixed camera looking at an open box in which I could roll dice (DiceCam), and a second phone on a stand that could move around on the table surface giving a model's eye view of what was going on (Rover). The main issue here was providing enough power, especially to keep the two phones charged as they seem to run down really fast using Zoom - and maintaining Rover's power connection because for some reason my phone doesn't like to stay plugged in (Blu-Tac proved very useful here). All cameras were muted with their microphones off. Plus webcams for the two players and you have the whole setup shown in the image above. 

Rover in action during filming. Note use of Blu-Tac

Rather than have a view of all the profile cards both players kept their own copies handy and we all kept track of plot points independently, with checks every so often to make sure everyone was consistent. As a referee either player could ask me for clarity whenever needed, for example, when measuring distances or moving figures around.    

SPECIAL RULES

The Thing (which has a much less enigmatic name in its own alien language) sighed a second time. It was very disappointed with the current situation. On what was, let's face it, a routine trip between the two moons of the L'frrrt system something had gone wrong again with the intra-dimensional calibrator circuit - and he'd only paid for the service two sclaargs ago. Clearly the albedo valve just needed a couple of tweaks of adjustment; which would normally be simple enough but obviously when they finished the service they had failed to put the #54 torque ratchet back in its proper place, and he still couldn't find it. Typical. Still, all was not lost. The message he'd sent just before landing had definitely been received, and hopefully understood. With a bit of luck it wouldn't be too long before someone came along with a decent set of tools. 

Peril: The Thing. This alien creature, which uses the special profile generated (card shown below, and also at the link above), is currently waiting in the crashed spaceship. The Thing acts in the first turn in which any model comes within 6" of the centre of the table, appearing and moving directly towards the closest model, and in game terms attacking them when in range. 

If The Thing for some reason ends up more than 6" from any other model, it will become undetectable, and will be moved in secret by the referee until it once again appears. 

Note that because this game was played with a referee, I didn't tell either player about The Thing until it became necessary. OK, I did make a few hints, but some Things are best kept secret. 

VICTORY POINTS

For the purpose of the scenario, victory points would be determined in the normal way, but with 1d3 bonus points for the side ending the game with the maguffin and 1d3 for the side that disposes of The Thing. But to be quite frank it doesn't matter. It's all about the narrative.

"Arshula," Bond remarked, "That'sh quite an unushual name... Tell me, what were you doing on that island before we reshcued you?"

"How many times do I have to repeat myself?" the girl responded, "I was collecting sea shells. I sell them on the sea shore. I didn't need rescuing."

"Sho, you shay you shell shea shellsh on the shea shore?" Bond struggled to say, and immediately regretted it. You needed lubrication to move your mouth in that way, and he didn't have a martini handy. He changed the subject. "Arshula. That'sh quite an unushual name..." 

AND… ACTION!

Dr Sno approaches the snow tractor as his minions get ready

Dr Sno synchronizes his watch. Behind him, from the hurriedly-called conference inside the Nissen hut, he can hear the cold whir of the ice 5 3/4 central processing units of his snowbot troopers as they calculate their optimal battle strategy. Moments ago the enemy had arrived, the conning tower of their submarine breaking through a thin patch of ice in the distance. He has to move quickly now if he is to be first to that alien ship. 

Bond leads the team as they leave the submarine

"Be careful," Bond calls to Arsula as she descends the conning tower. "It'sh very shlippery on the ishe." Bond had already fallen over three times since leaving the submarine. The smart shoes he'd chosen turned out not to be particularly practical in the arctic, even if they were the perfect match with his dinner jacket. He was starting to regret making fun earlier of the unfashionable suits the X-commandos were wearing, but they seemed to be a lot warmer than him, and none of them had fallen over. Mind you, he reflected, his dinner suit was a much better choice than Arsula's white scuba diving bikini get-up.     

Action stations!

With the enemy in sight, the alarm sounds, and the snowbot strategy commences. Swiftly bringing their briefing to a close, a pack of snobots are led by their officer toward the waiting dragon tank.

Mr Avalanche advances

At the same time, the hulking snowdrift that is Mr Avalanche has spotted the enemy leaving the submarine. Intent on maiming a few enemies (this being his primary function) he sets off in support of Dr Sno. Behind him, a smaller group of snobots including a heavy weapons snobazooka team advance in support.  

Dr Sno and assistant board the tractor

"Mwahaha!" Dr Sno cries, as he takes the controls of the snow tractor. "Nothing can stop me now!" Turning the tractor engine over, he brings it to full power and presses his foot heavily on the accelerator, giving it everything. Grudgingly, the snow tractor starts to rumble slowly forward, gradually picking up speed.  

Dept X forces steadily advance

Maintaining the fastest pace possible without slipping over, while trying to keep up with Arsula (who for some reason didn't seem keen to engage with him in conversation), Bond leads the X-commandos towards what appears to be a crashlanded alien spaceship, half-buried in snow and ice. It's probably the alien spaceship Q had been talking about, he thinks.

On the far side, No.6 walks in silence alongside one of the X-commandos, who Bond had ordered to protect him. Protect, or keep watch over? He wonders...       

Dr Sno leads the way

Dr Sno peers intently through the windscreen of the tractor, hunched over the wheel with his rightfoot pressing the pedal to the floor. The tractor, now at maximum speed, trundles along just slightly faster than walking pace. Mr Avalanche watches it grind its way past, and contemplates which way to walk around it will be quicker. 

What is that strange object?

The snobot heavy weapons team comes across something unusual, and scans the ice ahead to identify the object. It is donut sized, and donut shaped, but (according to snobot logic circuits) when found in these particular circumstances it is unlikely to be a donut. The snobots consider the situation carefully in order to identify the optimal strategy to take. 

Getting there, slowly but surely...

Distracted momentarily by the scenery inconveniently moving, Mr Avalanche concludes that it will be safest to walk around the rear of the tractor. He can see something sticking out the the snow on the other side of that ice ridge up ahead.

Arsula is first to claim an objective, but there is a surprise in store...

"Arshula, now that'sh quite an unushual name..." Bond tries again, but the scuba diver he'd been attracted to because of her headstrong personality (not just her physical features) had (in a headstrong way) moved her physical features too far away to hear his chat up line. With a brave X-commando by her side, Arsula's attention is taken by a strange metallic object sticking partway through the ice. Cutting it free with her diver's knife, she is able to examine it more closely. It is a small bent piece of strange alien metal, with some strange, small bent alien symbols etched into it.

As her fingers trace one of the symbols, the object briefly glows, as if some alien alarm had been inadvertently activated.

At the precise moment that Act 1 ends, the alien communication device is inadvertently activated.

The Thing attacks

"Oh, hello," The Thing announces, as it emerges from its ship. "I don't suppose anyone here has a #54 torque ratchet?"

"Aargh!" screams the terrified X-commando at the front of Bond's unit, as the alien creature screeches something at him, flailing its tentacles all around.

Mr Avalanche claims an objective

Rounding the corner of the shaky piece of scenery, Mr Avalanche bends down to pick up an unfamiliar object. What is it? Several cardboard tubes held together with gaffer tape? Some random pieces of plumbing stuck to a spade handle? A vibrator with some kind of stethoscope attachment? Yes, it's, definitely an alien weapon of some type. Just the sort of device Dr Sno needs to further his diabolical masterplan!

Not so far away, the snobot heavy weapons team decide to pick up the donut-shaped object ahead of them. Apart from being donut-shaped, it looks very like a futuristic telephone in an 80's sci-fi drama. An alien communicator! Just the sort of device Dr Sno needs to further his diabolical masterplan!

Snobots take their positions

Although their attention is mainly taken by the large unexpected alien engaged in hand-to-tentacle combat with one of the X-commandos, Bond's force is aware of the approaching enemy, and sporadic, ineffectual gunfire breaks out. The Snobot heavy weapons team respond, shunting slightly to their left to get a decent aim at the main group of X-commandos opposing them. With a single shot, almost all of the enemy fall within the blast area of the weapon...

BOOM! 

A cloud of powdered snow rises at the target, but everyone in the blast area remains unharmed. The snobazooka shell has failed to explode, for some reason. Perhaps it was a dud?

The tractor approaches

A stray shot cracks the windscreen of the tractor, but Dr Sno is undeterred. While the bulk of Dept X are otherwise occupied, he continues to drive the tractor toward the alien craft. 

A second snobazooka shot is more effective

Bond steps to one side to avoid the incoming snobazooka shell, careful to keep just far enough from the alien to avoid its flailing tentacles. The X-commandos are not so lucky this time, and two of them are taken out by the ensuing explosion.

The snobots close in

"Mwahaha!" cries Dr Sno as he takes full advantage of the situation. With Dept X having their hands full dealing with The Thing, he parks the tractor against the alien craft while a dragon tank full of snobots approaches from one side and Mr Avalanche closes in from the other. Surely nothing can stop him now!

The Thing is relentless

"Look, it's perfectly simple," The Thing persists, "All I want is a #54 torque ratchet!". But unfortunately Dept X has entirely misinterpreted the situation.

Concentrating on his martial arts training, the X-commando facing the alien delivers the perfect drop kick, and The Thing falls to the ground, momentarily stunned. The X-commando leaps back as Bond orders the entire unit to open fire.

The Thing is dispatched

"All I wanted was a #54 torque ratchet," The Thing complains as it expires, crackles briefly with static, and disappears through a temporary dimensional rift with a smell of ozone and crispy bacon.   

Another objective is claimed

"What have you found?" The X-commando asks as No.6 picks up the alien object lying on the ground. But No.6 wasn't going to give him any information.

No.6 actually doesn't know what the object is. All he can usefully find out is that it is some sort of machine, and that it goes 'bing', though he can't say how or why. 

The tide starts to turn 

Act 2 is almost at a close. Things appear to be going Dr Sno's way. And so, inevitably, it is precisely at this moment that everything changes. 

The X-commandos, who are now no longer occupied by The Thing, turn their attention to the approaching Mr Avalanche, who receives multiple wounds from their concentrated fire. 

"Operate the vehicle flamethrower!" orders the command snobot in the tank, while snobots scuttle below with the controls. "NO! NOT THAT SWITCH!" is the last any of them hear as the internal vehicle heating system is switched on to Max and with an unexpected pyrotechnic display they all instantaneously melt. Dr Sno really should do something about snobot vulnerability to heat. Steam hisses from the cupola of the tank.

To make matters worse, Dr Sno himself (who is bravely trying to get close enough to the maguffin to claim the alien technology) takes a couple of shots to the chest. Dangerously wounded, he considers that things aren't looking quite so good any more. 

Mr Avalanche does not care

"I don't care!" says Mr Avalanche, who stands and takes the oncoming fire. Fortunately for him he survives the assault. But Dr Sno's cast is very close to becoming axed now. 

Bond picks his moment

It is the final showdown. Stealing the scene, having leaped around the corner of the alien craft, Bond uses his laser scope to deliver the finishing shot to Dr Sno, who falls to the ground. 007 smiles, raising an eyebrow, and strikes a pose for the camera while blowing the smoke from the barrel of his gun. 

There is an explosion

Dr Sno limps away, almost incapacitated, thinking that all is lost. But, as often turns out in such situations, all is not lost.

"Excuse me, Sir," announces the improbable X-commando at the rear of the group, who is probably played by Roy Kinnear. "Did you drop this?"

The commander looks at the grenade Roy is offering him, does a double-take, and mouths something rude. 

The inevitable explosion kills four X-commandos, leaving both casts axed at the start of the Finale. Mr Avalanche uses the opportunity to regenerate and presses on with the attack.

Ready... Aim...

As if that wasn't enough, the snobazooka is now directed at No.6 and friend, who are hit with significantly more explosive power than could ever be considered reasonable. Both are utterly destroyed in an enormous explosion and disappear through a hole in the ice without even time for a "be seeing you".

The machine that goes 'bing', which No.6 had been holding, briefly goes 'bing' and then falls through the hole in the ice, disappearing for ever. 

The maguffin is claimed

Arsula is close to claiming the maguffin, but without warning Mr Avalanche launches a capture bubble at her and when she recovers she finds herself back at the submarine. At the same moment a lone snobot leaps into the empty dragon tank and drives it forward, blocking Bond from claiming the maguffin, while Dr Sno's assistant grabs the alien technology and runs back to the tractor with it.

"Do you feel lucky, punk?"

Mr Avalanche takes the opportunity to go one to one with the X-commando officer. It is a short fight. And with a sufficient surplus of plot points available Dr Sno's axed cast all remain in play at the end of the turn. 

Unfortunately the Dept X cast are less fortunate. Spending their last few plot points ineffectively shooting at snobots, at the end of the turn they fail their Spirit test and decide to call it a day.

For those who are interested, the game is scored as a Decisive Victory to Dr Sno's Villanous cast. Not that 007 agrees, or that it matters at all for the narrative of the story. 

Bond and Arsula get together at last

Their job done, with a nicely chilled open bottle of Bollinger, from the conning tower Bond and Arsula toast their success as the last rays of the sun set over the smoking arctic scenery and the submarine prepares for departure.

"Sho, Arshula," 007 says, "Heresh to a another shuccsheshful misshion - cheersh!"

"Do you think you can drop me off at my beach on the way back?" she replies, hopefully.

"Arshula... That'sh quite an unushual name..." 

And the end credits for the film begin to roll... 

We will return...

As the credits continue, out of sight of the submarine, Dr Sno's assistant has recovered his master's remains as well as the alien technology, and is making his way off with them. Surely this will not be the last we see of Dr Sno?

CREDITS

Players:

Dr Sno and the Villainous Snobot cast . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Howard Bishop

James Bond and the Heroic Dept X cast . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Alan Hall

Models:

James Bond, Arsula Undress, No.6 & The Thing . . . . . . . . . . . . Crooked Dice Miniatures

X-Commandos  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wargames Foundry

Dr Sno  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . origin unknown

Snobots & Mr Avalanche scratch-built by the author

Dragon Tank . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . James Bond 1:43 Car Collection

Snow Tractor bought in a car boot sale for next to nothing by the author years ago

Arctic Unit #1

Base mat  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Deep Cut Studios

Oil Drums . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Debris of War

Snow scatter  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Poundland

All other scenery scratch-built by the author, mostly from cardboard, MDF and flower arranging foam

7TV2 Spy-Fi game from Crooked Dice, with custom cards produced for this episode from the 7TV Studios Casting Agency. 

Acknowledgements

Special thanks to Shaun Pike for his suggestion for 7TV2 Secret Santa, and to Simon Clarke, without whom I wouldn't have had such a great figure for Dr Sno.

No Things were harmed in the making of this picture.

EPILOGUE

M was looking stern.

"I'm not sure why you seem so satisfied, 007," she said. "You've no evidence of who this Dr Sno character is, why he was in the arctic, or even whether he has been successfully disposed of; your report isn't at all clear about what happened at Ice Station Llama; and your attempts to establish cordial relations with the aliens involved ended up with one of them being killed, risking all out war with an alien race. And No.6 seems to have disappeared. Your report concentrates far too little on the mission and far too much on this sea shell seller and quite frankly I don't understand why she was there at all. And the only material evidence you have for us is a small piece of bent metal."

"Yesh, ma'am," Bond sulked. He knew this meant it would be a long time before he was allowed to drive the Aston again. 

"Fortunately for you Q has some good news," she concluded. Bond glanced up, raising an eyebrow hopefully.

"It's quite fascinating!" Q enthused, "This is no ordinary small piece of bent metal. Our researchers have concluded it to be some sort of alien #54 torque ratchet, which is terribly interesting. We're pretty sure it's something to do with the intra-dimensional calibration process, and that it's probably designed to work alongside a sort of machine that goes 'bing'. We'll need time to find out more details."   

--------------------------- 

Many miles to the north, in the polar ice, something crackles briefly with static, and reappears through a temporary dimensional rift with a smell of ozone and crispy bacon...

"Looks like they've all gone. Now let's see if I can get this ship repaired..."

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN SOON

 IN 

From Prussia, with Rubber Gloves...