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| Fishfinger and Odd-Dog pose for a publicity shot |
Fishfinger, he's the manThe man with the deep fried hake(Also fishcake)Salt and vinegarBeckon you to sample his battered fishTry to resist!Tartare sauce he will pour in your earBut his fries can't disguise what you fearA girl who can smell knows when he's kissed herIt's the fishy breath of Mister FishfingerPretty girl, beware of those breadcrumbs goldThis fish is coldHe loves only fish,
Only fish...
"Battered from head to foot, you say?" M looked concerned."Yesh, Ma'am. She probably died from shkin shuffocation. It occashionally happensh to cabaret dancersh; normally a shmall piece of shkin is left unbattered...""No, Bond," M was quick to interrupt. "The cause of death was deep fat frying. It's even more horrible than cabaret."Bond was quiet for a moment, resisting the urge to make what would probably have been a very inappropriate joke. At last, M broke the silence."The girl worked for Eric Fishfinger," she announced. "The multi-billionaire fish and chip shop tycoon, owner of most of the world's cod stocks. Made all his money from fish, and by all accounts is always greedy for more. He's legally allowed to operate in the UK and has been making noises about buying all of England's inshore fishing resources for the last few years. So far the government have resisted, but since Brexit, it's looking increasingly likely the PM will want to be bailed out soon.""But something tells me there is more to this," she continued. "The activity at Fishfinger's Cornish base has increased over recent weeks, and with this little personal vendetta of his against you, I sense he's up to something. That's why we're sending you down to Smuggler's Cove, to find out what's really going on...."
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| Smuggler's Cove: just another quiet Cornish fishing village |
M looked up from the desk, concerned. There had been no word from Bond since they sent him to Cornwall last week. Not even a caviar expense claim."Yes, ma'am," the Chief of Staff continued. "The voice on the phone was difficult to make out, but the message was clear. We believe it was a woman who calls herself Catfish Galore. Apparently she's a stunt sailor working for Fishfinger.""And you're sure this Operation Canned Spam is happening tonight?""Yes, ma'am. The shipping forecast confirms that conditions will be perfect tonight, the smoothest sea for months. Exactly the conditions required to deploy the Thermidor Device..."The Thermidor Device, M thought. The French must have made it after all, in secret, and probably sold it to Fishfinger for some ridiculous amount of money, or perhaps just given it to him in the knowledge he would use it against Britain. Such a terrible weapon, and yet so simple. A nuclear device that when triggered would release millions of irradiated baby lobsters into the sea. A bomb which, if precisely detonated in the correct underwater currents, would ensure that Britain's offshore fish stocks would become radioactive for the next 56 years. The UK would be forced to import fish from other sources, and the price of fish and chips and the value of Fishfinger's cod stocks would rise exponentially."And if that wasn't bad enough," he continued, "With Bond missing in action, there are no 00s currently available. I'm afraid there's nothing for it - we will have to go to Plan B."M looked up, concerned. "You mean Plan M, don't you...""Yes Ma'am. But she's had all the basic training and has been ready for field assignment for some weeks now."M pressed a button on the intercom.
"Miss Moneypenny, would you come in please? We have a job for you..."
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| Moneypenny gives acting directions on set |
The first thing Bond was aware of when he awoke was the overpowering smell of fish. The second, that he was covered in some sort of slimy substance. Yellow, sticky, and, unexpectedly pleasant-tasting. He wiped his eyes and raised a eyebrow. Third, he realised, now that he could see, he was within the interior of some sort of giant warehouse. Fourth, facing the ceiling, he sensed his back was rather warm - maybe someone had left the underfloor heating on. And finally, fifth, that he could barely move - his wrists and ankles were secured to some sort of giant wire basket, which was hanging, suspended in the air above what appeared to be a giant bath. Of oil. Which was very hot.Oh."Good Evening, 007"Fishfinger, wearing an unfashionable beige safari suit beneath a grease-stained apron, slowly walked his bulk toward Bond."What you can smell is fish, Mr Bond," he enthused. "All my life I have been in love with its feel, its colour, its unique aroma. I welcome any enterprise that will increase my stock, which is considerable.""Shounds fishy to me," Bond quipped.There was an awkward pause as nobody laughed."Choose your next fishy witticism carefully, Mr. Bond," Fishfinger continued. "It may be your last. What you are attached to is an industrial deep fat fryer. Allow me to demonstrate it to you." The mastervillain clicked his fingers, and an unseen minion operated a hidden control somewhere out of sight. The mesh basket started to descend, very slowly, into the bath. Even from here, a few feet above, Bond could see as well as feel that the oil was boiling hot. He struggled to no avail as Fishfinger moved away to attend to more important matters."You expect me to talk?" Bond asked, trying his best not to panic.Fishfinger turned towards him and smiled."No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to fry...."
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| 007 finds himself in deep... chip fat |
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| The heroic cast pose on the set of Fishfinger |
Moneypenny (Angel of Justice, Co-Star) - 6 ratings
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| Most of the villains pose for a promotional photo |
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| All is quiet at dusk in Smuggler's Cove |
The village is a typical, quiet and slightly run-down Cornish town with red-roofed whitewashed buildings. The closest to the dock is the smaller harbourmaster's cottage.
The factory is a large two-storey building with no windows. In a downstairs room to the back, scientists are priming the Thermidor Device prior to its planned deployment tonight. Upstairs, in a larger chamber, James Bond remains tethered to an outsize mesh basket hanging dangerously close above a vat of boiling deep fat. Odd-dog impassively watches on, lethal bone at the ready in case Bond should somehow make an escape.
Scientists prime the Thermidor Device
SPECIAL RULES
Bond begins the game as a hostage. His model does not generate plot points until he escapes from the industrial deep fat fryer. Odd-dog starts the game in the same room, watching on.
Fishfinger and the two ninjas start the game in his office on the ground floor of the factory building.
The scientists and the Thermidor Device start in the other back room on the ground floor of the factory building.
The minions are formed into four squads, each comprising a minion commander and five minions. One squad is positioned in the main downstairs room of the factory, one in the harbourmaster's cottage (unknown to the MI6 force), one on the tramp steamer, beginning the game off-table and arriving at the start of Act 2 (unknown to the MI6 force) and the final squad in a location of the player of the villainous cast's choice - in our case, guarding the factory entrance at the main road.
The game begins at dusk with the arrival of Moneypenny and two squads of Assault Troopers (each one commander and four troopers) who swim to shore having travelled to the location by submarine.
VICTORY CONDITIONS
Fishfinger is trying to get the Thermidor Device, which is ready for deployment tonight (the tides are perfect) from the factory to the boat and off-table.
The MI6 cast (who are deliberately smaller) have the arguably slightly more simple objective of stopping them (ideally by defusing the Thermidor Device) and the secondary objective of rescuing Bond (before he is turned into a kind of novelty fritter). To defuse the Device, a model must use a Special Action when in contact with the Device to make an opposed Mind roll (use the scores of the character attempting to defuse the device, and the highest score of any active character in Fishfinger's cast).
There are no objectives in this scenario other than the Thermidor Device, which can be considered to be the Maguffin.
- Possession of the Thermidor Device: 3 points to either cast
- Thermidor Device is in the Tramp Steamer at the end of the game: +2 points (villains)
- Thermidor Device has left the table in the Tramp Steamer by the end of the game: +5 points (villains)
- Bond escapes from the industrial deep fat fryer: +2 points (heroes)
- Thermidor Device is defused: +5 points (heroes)
AND... ACTION!
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| The raiders arrive |
In the dim light of dusk, all an observer could make out would be a lonely seagull floating on the water. A seagull that unexpectedly rises and reveals itself to be some sort of hat...
Clothed in black, armed divers approach with the incoming tide, as the submarine they have come from disappears silently beneath the water. They advance silently through the water, the only sound the surf against the sand. Ahead of them their leader stands, the first to reach the beach, and removes her seagull-disguised helmet. Moneypenny looks around but all is quiet in the sleepy village of Smuggler's Cove. They can't have been spotted yet.
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| Bond tries his best to stay outside the vat of boiling fat |
Some uncanny kind of sixth sense urges Bond to act at the precise moment Moneypenny's assault troops are making their beach landing. Suspended above boiling chip fat, Bond stretches to reach the switch on his wristwatch buzzsaw and attempts to cut himself free. There is an uncomfortable moment when the wire mesh breaks and he almost falls, but he hangs on above the bubbling liquid.
"For a moment then I thought my chips were down," he can't stop himself quipping.
Odd-dog, annoyed by the sound of the buzzsaw, just growls, baring his teeth beneath the shadow of his hat.
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| "Who put that banana skin there?" |
What Moneypenny does not know is at the moment the assault force is landing, the commander of Minion Squad #2 just happens to be looking out to sea with binoculars. In the faint moonlight, she sees a single seagull on the surface of the water. Which would not have been remarkable had it not been followed by a perfectly synchronised line of ten other evenly-spaced identical seagulls swimming together in formation toward the shore. She hadn't got to the rank of Commander for no reason, and had a passing familiarity with MI6 standard issue equipment. The seagull-disguised scuba helmet was a classic.
Momentarily panicking, she leaves her post, running to warn those inside the factory. But Minion Terry, who had been eating a banana earlier, must have discarded the skin on the ground near the factory door, because as she gets there she slips and falls embarrassingly to the ground. Likely minions Terry and Bob (now you know what happened to them), watching from the road entrance, do their best not to laugh.
Inside Fishfinger's office, both ninjas simultaneously spring to attention. Fishfinger, who has been counting his bank balance again, glances up. Seated at the desk, his eyes are at the same height as those of his faithful bodyguards.
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| The ninjas hear a noise! |
"Risten! You heal noise?" both ninjas say to each other simultaneously, and each nods to the other in reply. But before they can react, there is a sudden and unexpected powercut on the film set and they are slower responding than normal.
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| The ninjas advance to investigate |
In the darkness, the ninjas advance into the main chamber, leaving Fishfinger behind.
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| The Thermidor Device proves difficult to move |
Minion squad #1, in the main factory chamber, are momentarily disorganised by a sudden and unexpected failure of the studio lights. They grope their way into the chamber to help the scientists move the Thermidor Device, which is far too heavy for weakling scientists to shift on their own.
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| Out of the frying pan into the, er, dog |
Above, on the upper storey of the factory, Odd-Dog barks the alarm, but his Korean yapping is difficult to interpret, not helped by the unweildy, razor-sharp bone he is holding between his teeth. Bond gingerly climbs down the side of the industrial deep fat fryer.
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| An unopposed beach landing |
Moneypenny advances through the surf into the cover of some scrub at the edge of the sand. Behind her, two teams of assault troopers discard their seagulls and ready their weapons, making their way up towards the beach.
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| "As you were..." |
The commander of Minion Squad #2 stands, brushes herself down and returns to her post. Again, her men do their best to behave sensibly. Terry and Bob exchange meaningful glances.
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| The bone is thrown |
With a deft flick of his jaw, Odd-Dog launches the lethal bone with deadly accuracy, striking Bond across the cheek, drawing blood. The bone hits the wall behind, becoming embedding it in the plaster a few feet above the ground. With an impassively Korean snarl, Odd-Dog maliciously advances. Bond raises an eyebrow at the wound, his attention concentrated on not falling into the vat of boiing chip fat beside him.
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| "Assume attack formation!" |
The troopers advance up the beach, aware that timing and the element of surprise are critical. Unfortunately for them the film director has been pushing the action along at a faster rate than usual, and Act 2 is imminent. Time is shorter than they expected.
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| "Keep up, you lot!" |
Moneypenny moves into cover, perfectly camouflaged against the scrub. Aware that time is of the essence, she signals her men to get a move on. The snooker was running late earlier and not even a Bond film is enough to delay the evening news.
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| "Oof - heavy!" |
Minion squad #1 take over moving the Thermidor Device. Six strong minions prove much more adept at shifting the heavy unit than two weedy scientists and they heave it towards the door of the chamber.
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| Minion suad #2 defends as ninja driver moves to the truck |
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| "Take that, you dog!" |
Bond leaps from the top of the deep fat fryer, facing off with Odd-Dog, and raises his fists. Odd-Dog grins, and raises his paws in response.
On the floor below, it is clear the props department have made an error. The specification for the stairs down from the first floor should have read 'stairs, wooden, height:18ft' but has been misinterpreted as 'stairs, wooden, height: 18in'. The ninja in the factory smiles. He may no loner be able to get to the upper floor to deal with Bond, but those tiny stairs are perfect for him to hide behind.
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"Get that Device into the truck- now!" |
Fishfinger exits his office and barks and order to Minion squad #1. The Thermidor Device needs to be taken to the dock, and time is running out. Nothing will stop the news being broadcast on schedule. The sounds of dog and man fighting on the floor above are clearly apparent, and the scientists wonder what to do, only slightly reassured that the stairs between floors don't reach that far and they might yet survive to the end of the film.
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Ninja driver approaches truck |
Seat cushion at the ready, driver ninja runs to the cab of the truck.
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| A boat approaches |
As Act 2 begins, a Tramp Steamer, the SS Unsinkable II, approaches. Its captain has orders to sail it to the dock. Despite the size difference between the boat and the jetty, this will be perfectly safe, he has been assured. A container labelled "Machine Parts" will soon be ready to be urgently loaded aboard.
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| A burst of action proves effective |
Before Odd-Dog can act, Bond attacks. With one fist striking Odd-Dog's jaw on the right and a burst of action delivering the other to the left, the Korean Alsatian proves no equal to 007 in boxing, and falls unconscious to the floor.
Bond contemplates arming himself with the lethal bone, but the idea is clearly ridiculous. Odd-Dog's hat is even more useless as a weapon.
On board the SS Unsinkable II, Minion squad #4 ready themselves for action.
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| "Take careful aim..." |
The commander of Minion squad #4 orders his women to the starboard side of the boat where they have a clear line of sight at the assault troopers, who are still struggling up the beach. They open fire from behind, wounding one of the officers and killing one man.
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| "Smile please" |
Minion squad #4 pose for a publicity shot in the midst of filming.
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| The set designers really have excelled themselves today |
Minion Squad #2 advance down the main road toward the enemy.
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| "It's a simple question of perspective..." |
The scientists contemplate the situation. Those stairs might look large, but they know they're really only 18" tall and in the wrong position. Small, not far away, obviously. The ninja is perfectly hidden behind them, an ambush set should Bond decide to leap down from above.
Fishfinger contemplates an ambush from the other side, but the stairs are much too small for him to hide behind.
The scientists, content that they have solved this conundrum, shake their heads at the evident stupidity of everyone else.
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| "Quick - take cover!" |
Minion squad #2, aware that in the middle of the road they are in direct shooting line of the assault troopers, leap over the wall to their left and open fire from behind cover.
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| [sound effects of gunfire] |
A firefight breaks out, but the strong stone walls provide excellent protection for both sides.
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| [special effects: gunfire, smoke, flying bits of wall] |
It's an impasse as heads and guns of both sides pop briefly in and out of cover and the walls take the brunt of the gunfire.
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| "Attention: this vehicle is leversing" |
As the Thermidor device is moved out of the factory building, driver ninja, stretching to see the rear view mirrir, carefully backs the truck into position.
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| Assault Unit #2 take position behind the wall |
In an attempt to break the impasse, Assault Unit #2 advances across the road, taking a position behind a wall with direct firing line toward the minions opposing them.
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| [more exciting sounds of gunfire and accompanying special effects] |
The firefight continues, but this time the minions find themselves vulnerable. Despite their best efforts, their commander is wounded and another falls to the relentless gunfire of the assault troopers. Terry and Bob are grateful for the additional cover of the wall where a bend in the road intervenes.
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| Crunk! [Ninja driver changes into first gear] |
But the minions' efforts have been successful. Delaying the enemy's advance, there is time to safely load the Thermidor Device aboard the truck, which now starts to move off toward the dock.
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"Squad, advance!" |
Minion squad #3 emerge from the harbourmaster's hut and advance into the village. The truck will be arriving soon and they will be needed to provide protection.
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| The boat approaches |
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| Minion squad #4 disembark |
They advance into the cover of the rocky shore edge, cutting off the escape route of the assault troopers.
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The troopers are in danger of being surrounded |
With minions ahead and behind them, it is now the assault troopers' turn to feel vulnerable.
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| Meanwhile, upstairs, nothing much happens |
After several rounds of trying to think of an appropriate witticism, and contemplating what to do next, Bond approaches the top of the stairway only to find the stairs are no longer there. Well, they are, but they are off to one side and end a long way below the ceiling. Bond doesn't like heights much, particularly when he might be falling from them.
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| "Bless you, my children..." |
Meanwhile, Moneypenny thinks of a cunning plan to get past the minions. Using her handy disguise kit, she pulls her wetsuit momentarily inside out so that she looks uncannily like a nun. She makes the sign of the cross as she walks up the street while the minions unsuspectingly nod and reverently doff their berets in respect.
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| Moneypenny takes position |
Stealing the scene, Moneypenny arrives opposite the factory entrance just as the Thermidor device is loaded into the truck. She has avoided the minions, but is not quite close enough to use another handy gadget to take out the vehicle.
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| "You're no nun!" |
Just in time, the commander of Minion squad #2 realises their mistake. No nun would have such neatly-shaved legs, surely. She leaps into action, crossing the road, and shoots Moneypenny, who falls to the ground.
That ought to make up for me looking like an idiot earlier, she thinks.
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| "That's not a wall!" |
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| "Squad into position!" |
As the truck pulls away, Minion squad #1 take up a defensive stance.
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| The truck heads off as fast as possible |
Time is short - the news will be on soon - so ninja driver steps on the acceleratoras hard as he can while staying on the driver's seat. Resisting the urge to crash the truck dramatically into a polystyrene wall, he focuses on the key objective.
The producer is simply thankful that the props department made the road wide enough for the truck to move along.
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| The boat arrives at the dock |
The boat moves up to the dock in what appears at first like a Jurassic Park 2 situation. But it's OK, the water here is obviously deep enough and the boat's neither out of control nor filled with T Rexes. The boat successfully docks, and Minion squad #3 move back to provide cover for the transfer of the Thermidor Device (sorry, "Machine Parts") when the truck arrives. Surely nothing can stop Fishfinger's dastardly plan now?
Fishfinger steals the scene at the last moment, drawing two countdown cards, bringing the film to its finale at last, and drawing the first finale card. It's the cliffhanger. The game will end after this turn (don't say we didn't warn you - not even a Bond film can stop the news being on time).
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| "AAARGH!" [accompanied by squeaky sounds of polystyrene] |
Making the most of the situation, Fishfinger's minions open fire again. This time, Terry and Bob's bullets fail to bounce off polystyrene and the assault squad captain falls to the ground. As does what remains of the wall.
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| Ninja driver accelerates as hard as he can... |
Relentlessly, the ninja driver drives the truck as fast as possible toward the dock. But it's not going to get there before the evening news comes on. And so, in a true cliffhanger ending, the credits roll and the audience are left wondering how the film ended. Did Fishfinger succeed in his dastardly plan? Did the truck arrive at the dock? Did Bond find a way to get downstairs?
Perhaps these questions will be answered in the next reimagined Bond film, coming to a blog near you soon...
CREDITSFishfinger and his Minions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Howard Bishop
Moneypenny, MI6 and James Bond . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Alan Hall
Models:
James Bond, Fishfinger, Odd-Dog and Minions . . . . . . . . . . . . . Crooked Dice Miniatures
MI6 Assault Troops. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Wargames Foundry
Ninjas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Dixon Miniatures
Moneypenny's body and head . . . . . . . Hasslefree Miniatures, Crooked Dice Miniatures
Odd-Dog's hat and lethal bone. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Green Stuff
Scenery scratch-built by the author from cardboard, MDF and various other rubbish
THE END
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| "Nearly there, just a few more m..." |
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