Llunderblob: A Bond Film for 7TV2

Bond is back...

For best effect, try to channel Richard Burton.

To begin at the beginning: it is spring, a moonless night, starless and bible-black...

On the rich, grassy slope of Cadair Berwyn, a shepherd's attention is suddenly drawn away from his sheep as a strange light appears on the horizon, growing gradually brighter as, inexplicably, it steadily moves across the hillside. Distracted, he pulls up his trousers, and gazes in wonder at this strange phenomenon, as do all his sheep. The light, growing brighter than seems possible, silhouettes the shepherd and his flock, making it difficult to see exactly what is happening. Then, impossibly, the light slows its movement, and fades, disappearing from view somewhere on the mountain. A loud noise follows, perhaps an earthquake, perhaps an aeroplane crashing, and an accompanying tremor that shakes the grass and the sheep like thunder. "Balls!" cries the shepherd as his poorly-fastened trousers fall down again, and the sheep, who have seen it all before, watch on. It is over as suddenly as it began. The shepherd, bracers once again secured, is left wondering what he has witnessed. The sheep, realising there is nothing interesting to see, get back to the much more important business of eating grass.

Yes, Bond is back*. This is the narrative of the fourth 7TV2 game in an increasingly bizarre series of re-imaginined Bond films, played out in their proper sequence. 

"Sorry, sir," the Q Branch technician apologised, making a few minor adjustments to the #54 torque ratchet that was wired to the apparatus, and testing some of the switches again, "Nothing seems to be happening any more." Q grumbled something incoherent to himself, and bundled past the technician, taking over the controls. 

"It was working perfectly just a moment ago," he stated, unnecessarily. "The seismograph readings are quite clear. Everything's connected properly and the containment field is still operating."

"I do hope no Quantums of Oddness** were released," the Technician fussed. "Do you think I should send someone to check Miss Moneypenny's hair again?" 

"That should not be necessary," Q asserted. "We worked out why that was happening and how to stop it some weeks ago. In any case, here inside the containment field we should all be fine. But do you see this reading here?" He pointed at an obscure 8-figure number in white text at the bottom of a small, green oscilloscope screen. "That's what  - or rather, where - I was worried about. Quantums of oddness have certainly escaped, and it's highly likely that something highly unlikely has happened outside the containment field at that precise grid reference point."

SYNOPSIS

 

The deep Welsh mines have been opened by a Quantum of Oddness and have released a trapped alien creature (referred to by the Men in Black as The Weapon), along with some even stranger creatures who are probably aliens in disguise, probably. The Weapon is an alien creature, known in local folklore as Mr Blobboth, the Beast of Berwyn...

 

The Weapon has been kept safe until now by measures put in place by the MIB but as a result of the unintentional release of some Quantums of Oddness by Q Branch, a new rift between realities has been opened and a  band of notorious individuals whose most recent attempts to take global power have failed, have taken the opportunity to try and steal it. How they know abput The Weapon remain a mystery, but the MIB are aware of them and have dispatched a team to contain this incident. Because of his special recent experience dealing with aliens, and in the knowledge that he has signed the official secrets act, and even if he did tell anyone no-one would believe him anyway, and abve all because MIB appreciare the value of a scapegoat, James Bond has been ordered to assist.

"Well?" M continued. Bond thought he had heard the question correctly, but didn't want to admit he was still having difficulty hearing. A rumour was going round that his next mission was to somewhere really exotic, and he didn't want to be sent on sick leave now.

"Yesh, ma'am," he politely responded, "He runsh all the time. Doeshn't like walking, for some reashon. Doeshn't talk much either, though I undershtand he does a fair bit of amateur dramaticsh. And he shtrikesh like..."

"Bond," M interrupted, "Are you sure your hearing is alright? I'm not talking about a man."

A small piece of batter dropped out of Bond's left ear. It was a slight improvement, but he wasn't fully back to normal yet since all that Fishfinger business. He'd not heard a word she had just said.

"He doeshn't ashk, doeshn't give, and he thinksh it'sh alwaysh worth fighting, but he shtill getsh any woman he wantsh," Bond continued, "And he shtrikesh like..."

"Bond!" M shouted, "For the last time, Llunderblob isn't a man's name! I don't know who you're talking about but it has nothing to do with this film!"

It was easier to understand M when she shouted.

"Chhhlththundddde... eh?" Bond tried to say the word, but Welsh was like Greek to him. He wiped the spittle off his chin and waited for M to continue.

"Llunderblob," M continued, her accent flawless, "Is a small slate mining community in North Wales. Two days ago the papers reported a story about strange lights on the hills nearby. It caused a nasty shock to the locals. Apparently several shepherds were caught with their trousers down."

Bond raised an eyebrow. He wasn't sure he'd heard that exactly right. Did she say Wales?

"The cause is unclear," M continued, "But we do know two things: one, this is precisely the location of the Berwyn Mountain Incident that happened some years ago. They called it Roswelsh. Strange lights on the hillside, some sheep gone missing, sightings of a weird pink and yellow monster, a big cover up story about a crashed alien spaceship, weird mythical dwarfs coming up out of the mines, all that sort of stuff. And two, just a few moments before the lights were spotted there was a brief power surge in Q Branch. That was just two days ago. This morning I received a call from a branch of the Government that even I didn't know existed. They specifically asked for you to assist them."

A horrible involuntary shudder passed through Bond's body. Wales? Surely not. He hated Wales. All those confusing double l's, f's and d's. A land full of seaweed-eating rugby fanatics who sang all the time in the rain. It wasn't the least bit exotic. This was terrible, absolutely terrible. He'd have to refuse the assignment. After all, he should be on sick leave...

"Well, when I say the asked, I mean they ordered," M continued, "So of course I had no choice but to accept, even though you probably ought to be taking sick leave until your hearing recovers. I knew you would understand."

THE CASTS

The Heroes

James Bond - Star, Action Hero - 10 pts

J & K (Men in Black) - Co-Stars, Men In Black - 8 pts each

Ford POS - Vehicle, Car - 4pts

1 x X-Commando Officer - Commander - 4 points

5 x X-Commandos - 3 points each

Total 49pts

 

The Villains

POTUS - Star, Insidious Industrialist - 10 pts

Horny Spaniels - Co-Star, Jackbooted Sadist - 8 pts

Snw Whyt - Co-Star, Angel of Injustice - 8 pts

Evil Welsh Dwarfs: Stinky, Snotty, Scabby, Nosey, Grubby, Pervy, and the Gimp - 5 x Thugs (3pts), 1 x Sniper (3pts), 1 x Heavy Weapon (5pts) 

Total 49pts

 

Creature Feature

Mr Blobboth, The Beast Of Berwyn - Modified Shoggoth (5 Health, Massive, Slow)

Son of Blobboth - Modified Shoggoth (3 Health, Large, Slow)

They stood beside each other, their black Ford POS parked a short distance behind, impassively looking down toward the crater from the slope of the mountain, black suits and sunglasses making them almost invisible in the darkness.

"Well, here we are again, Slick," the expressionless older man states. "Same hillside, just like last time."

"I still can't believe that a weapon like that has been hidden out here for so long," the young man says. "I mean, did no-one think to put it in a safer place?"

"Couldn't find it," the older man replies, "There's no reliable means of detection using earth technology. It appears briefly when it feels like it and disappears before anyone can do anything. And usually scares the locals. You know the way it goes." 

"So we just focus on the orders," the young man states, "Find the weapon and keep it safe until the breach has been repaired?"

"And stop the bad guys from making off with it and using it to conquer the earth, yes. It's a tough job, Slick, but somebody's got to do it," the older man confirms.

The young man nods in agreement. "And the second bit too," he says. "The bit about keeping a low profile. You know. Not burning down any forests or towns or Wales or stuff." He looks at his partner for some sort of confirmation.

"The first objective takes precedence," his partner answers. "The Brit from MI6 with the silly accent is here to deal with any collateral".

They swing their oversized, chrome-coated, unmistakeably alien plasma weapons to their front, powering them up with an electronic whine and a crackle of static, look at each other, and smile.

"I love my job," the young man says.

SET-UP

 

A stone circle in a clearing in the table centre, surrounded by forested mountain slopes, with some areas of disturbed and rocky ground. Five objectives tokens are evenly spaced around the central area of the table. 

 

The game takes place at night. Visibility is limited to 12" and in the darkness, all shots with ranged weapons are Disadvantaged if at over 6" range.

SPECIAL RULES

Blobboth and Son of Blobboth start the game off table and are hostile to both sides. Whenever an objective token is revealed, roll a dice. On a 6, this will reveal the Blobboth. If the Blobboth is already on the table, the next time an objective token is revealed, roll the dice. On a 4+, Som of Blobboth appears. If Blobboth or Son of Blobboth have not appeared by the start of Turn 4, the active player places one such model anywhere on the table outside 8" of any other model. If one such model is still left to deploy at this time, the other player deploys this in the same way.

If Blobboth or Son of Blobboth are reduced to 0 Health they become captured and will move with any model in base contact. Otherwise, unless in base contact with any model, at the end of each player's turn they may move both Blobboth and Son of Blobboth one move in any direction. 

AND... ACTION!

A quiet Welsh mountain scene

The sheep have disappeared from the hillside, spooked by something unusual, possibly the noise of the film crew lugging their equipment to the set. An unusual silence hangs across the mountainside. The Men in Black, through binoculars, watching from a distance spot some movement beyond the old stone circle at the edge of the woods. 

Snw Whyt and her pervy dwarfs appear

A group of strange masked dwarfs, who you might believe have just emerged from the old slate mines, are ordered into position by their commander, a young woman unexpectedly dressed as a Disney princess. 

"Not exactly what I had expected," K admits. 

J smiles. "Just you wait".

The POTUS (wig firmly fixed) and Horny Spaniels arrive on set

Beside the dwarfs, two familiar faces emerge from the undergrowth. A tall, stern-looking (and undeniably attractive) woman dressed in black-strapped studded leather (highly impractical for walking in the Welsh mountains) and a bloated, waddling orange creature in an expensive suit. Its obvious toupee is firmly attached today and has agreed with the Director that it will be well-behaved today.  

"POTUS!" K gasps. "But, how did he survive?"*** 

K replies sagely: "Nature finds a way."

Bond, accompanied by an X-Commando section, emerge

There is a rustling in the vegetation to the Men in Black's right, and Bond, immaculately dressed as if for a dinner party, walks up to them. Several SWAT troopers stand some distance behind, awaiting orders.

"The name'sh Bond..." he starts, but cannot finish the cliche before J interrupts.  

"We know who you are," J says. "And before you say anything, we're in charge, so don't argue."

Bond wasn't used to being talked to like this. He opened his mouth to complain but was interrupted again.

"Take your men over there and deal with those dwarfs," J continues. "Keep them busy so that they don't interfere and we can do the job we're here for. Is that clear?"

"Er, what job is that?" Bond asks, but J just eyes him knowingly and smiles.

"You really, really don't need to know that," K whispers as the Men in Black open the boot of their car and take out some highly unusual (silver) weaponry . The Director fails to notice this continuity error in the script. 

"You haven't seen us. Have a nice day."

Men in Black and their Ford POS. Have a nice day

Turning away from these strange people, Bond orders his men into positions. They split into two teams, taking cover behind rocks and trees as they approach the enemy.

Troops move into position

Bond leads his men around some rocky cover and takes an objective. It appears to be a fragment of leathery material. Pink with spots. Bond considers all the possibilities and concludes that it's either part of the shed skin of an overly flamboyant giant snake, or a piece of Horny Spaniel's torn underwear. Both of which are the stuff of nightmares. 

"What's this then...?"

Opposite, the dwarfs advance and exclitedly take an objective, which they immediately hide away. Which almost certainly means it was a fragment of Horny Spaniels' torn underwear.

POTUS alone

While all this nonsense is happening the POTUS advances fast, alone, to the centre of the stone circle, and takes the central objective. It reveals itself to be the Maguffin, which means that The Blobboth (which of course is the "weapon" the MIB have been looking for), and he is duly attacked.

"Aargh!"

The terrifying creature, which, Bond observes with some relief, indicates that the objective he picked up is not a piece of Ms Spaniels' shed underwear, roars and attacks, ineffectiveky. POTUS fights back, using a gadget and against all apprent odds does some significant damage to the Blob.

"I think we're supposed to call them "small pervs", not "dwarf pervs", J... 

Some of the dwarfs get dangerously close to the MIB, who level their weapons and open fire.

Pew pew pew

As do the X-commandos on POTUS (and Blob, not really caring which target they hit), as the fight continues.

And pew pew pew back at you too

Horny and her dwarfs open covering fire on the other side. 

Three against one - I like those odds

The dwarfs attack one of the troopers who has become isolated from the main group.

It's behind you...

And another one sneaks behind the MIB for a surprise attack.

There you are...

And at this precise moment the smaller and much more manageable Son of Blob suddenly appears and attacks the MIB.

At this point the set lighting fails, and although the action continues, it all happens in the dark and stock footage has to be used instead for a while. This means that a lot of action happens in the dark. The Director makes the decision to just go with it and never mind about any continuity errors - there's only so much budget left, after all. 

You get the idea

In the darkness, Bond appears near the larger group of troopers. The firefight continues as Son of Blob overwhelms J. POTUS and Blob are both on their last legs (well, POTUS is - Blob doesn't have legs). The lone trooper is overwhelmed and the dwarfs and snow white continue to the MIB, shooting K dead. POTUS is swallowed by te Blob, while Horny is cut down by troopers is a terrible bloodbath that also kills more dwarfs than there are already on set, plus several innocent bystanders. Godzilla steps on a newspaper stand and Indiana Jones hides in a fridge as a nuclear explosion happens in the background.

The Director now stops using stock footage and, with negligible regard for continuity, the scene is restored as the lighting comes back on again.

What? What? This makes no sense!

As his eyes get used to the light, Bond finds himseld surrunded by snow white and some dwarfs and there is a big fight which he ultimately wins. 

Hands up!

Bond takes Snw Whyt into custody.

MIB make short work of the dwarfs

Their cast axed, the few remaining dwarfs are overwhelmed and arrested by the MIB, both of whom seem to actually be alive. Unseen by the cameras, POTUS (who unsurprsingly must have been vomited up by Blob) and Horny make their escape. 

"Curses, foiled again", says the wig. 

Finally, the Dircetor uses another piece of stock footage to round it all up, as the aliens make their escape in a flying saucer.

THE END

EPILOGUE

 

Bond awoke, the dream still in his head. A very strange dream indeed. A dream of evil space dwarfs, huge spotted aliens, hideous wigs, and - worst of all - Wales. He still had bright lights flashing in his head. The feeling was familiar, and could only mean he's had too many badly-made Martinis last night. The solution to that was easy, though, and equally familiar. He stood and opened the drinks cabinet. Martini glass, cocktail shaker, ice, Kina Lillet... perfect. But what was this? He lifted the bottle and examined its label. Welsh Vodka? Well, that certainly explains the bad Martinis. 

It was in the morning papers, of course, but the strange goings on in the mountains last night could only have been sheep, and the UFO seen in the sky was obviously just a helicopter - a plausible explanation, they say, as so many people in this part of Wales have never seen one. 

But Bond wasn't entirely convinced.

Only one thing remains certain:

BOND WILL RETURN

in

EWES ONLY LIVE TWICE

DIRECTOR'S NOTE: Because of the poor quality of the images taken during original filming, scenes were re-enacted in the studio at a later date under considerably better lighting. This has inevitably led to some minor changes from the original version. However, this re-imagined Director's Cut version of Llunderblob is recognised as the most definitive edition of this episode from the re-imagined Bond series. 

* for those who have been following this reimagined series of Bond films, you may recall that the previous film, Fishfinger, ended inconclusively. Well, in the tradition of unexplained things in films (just how did Indiana Jones travel all the way to North Africa on the outside of that U-Boat?) we're just going to ignore it and pretend it was supposed to end that way.

**Quantums of Oddness were introduced in the first of these Bond reimaginings, Dr Sno.

***The POTUS was last seen alive in this blog in Trump's On A Plane. More shameless self-publicity.