From Prussia with Rubber Gloves: A Bond Film for 7TV2

Chubby Brusselsprout presents:
The New James Bond Film!

From Prussia, With Rubber Gloves

Professor Ogilvy is interviewed beside the cylinder by 7TV anchorman Karl

No-one would have believed, in the last years of the twentieth century, that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than our own. The chances of anything coming from Mars were a million to one, they said.

Which was, they calculated, a considerably lower chance than the real and present dangers of genetically modified dinosaurs, time-travelling robotic assassins, various types of zombie apocalypse, or the reappearance of the Nazis that had been hiding on the moon since 1945. But all of these threats (surely) were just things brought on by the overenthusiastic imaginations of frustrated scientists. There were no such things as tyrannosaurus parks, eradicators or walking corpses. And the Nazis hadn't gone to the moon, of course.

They are here

The Nazis hadn't needed to go to the moon. 

Years before the Third Reich, scientists working under Bismarck had kidnapped both H G Wells and Jules Verne and using their combined knowledge of space and time had already established a substantial base on the dark side of Mars, where descendants of the Prussian aristocracy had been living in secrecy and relative comfort for decades, waiting for the right time to return. Attended by their robotic servants, they kept themselves isolated from the earth, where, they concluded, things really didn't seem to be getting a lot better as the years advanced. 

These Prussians were peaceful, brilliant, and highly advanced. Their computers and robots had replaced all menial labour, and they lived a life of luxury. That is, until they made one particularly-super-computer called Netflix responsible for their planetary defence system. Within microseconds it had concluded that the best way to protect the planet was to remove all the troublesome Prussians, and duly launched a nuclear strike that obliterated the entirety of the planet surface.  

After Judgement Day, the surface of Mars looked much the same as before

Fortunately, some of the robots survived, and in the years that passed since what became known as "Judgement Day",  an ideal new robotic society based on scientific absolutes and Prussian traditions arose. From the great central pickelhauber-spiked castle, moustache-waxed aristobots ruled over the beer-swilling cybersausage-eating robo-peasants who worked in the Combined Central Brewery and Cyber-Sausage Factory, while smartly-polished T-200 eradicatorbots marched up and down outside with strict discipline, with no-one to eradicate and nothing much to do but look splendid in their smart blue uniforms and spiked helmets.

But then came the fateful day when Netflix declared that the situation was never going to get any better and therefore the time was right to return to earth. The aristobots planned their strategies, the robo-peasants prepared extra provisions of beer and cybersausage, the armybots sharpened their helmet spikes, and the reconbots, who would be the first on the scene, pulled on their masks and rubber gloves* and lubricated their probes in the hope of soon finding an earthling or two to investigate.

*H G Wells had advised long ago that germs on the earth would be a possible problem for a Martian invading force, hence good hygiene is recognised as very important, especially if you intend to take samples of the local population using some sort of probe.

Screenshot of the game in play, via Zoom

This is the narrative of the next episode in a series of games of 7TV2 increasingly loosely based on the titles of Bond films, played in sequence. Many thanks to Al (heroic cast) and Andrew (villains) for playing the game. The episode was played during lockdown on the Zoom platform with additional cameras provided to give a whole table view and a model-eye view of the action, and the dice rolling. I moved the figures around as instructed and refereed the action.

Q Branch make final preparations for a new insurance claim

As they finally got the fires under control and the smoke began to clear, Q emphasised his point again. "And that is why you must always remember to turn the catch on the briefcase the other way before opening it."

"Now pay attention, 007," Q continued, changing the subject. "If you recall where we left things last time, we were investigating some highly interesting alien material you recovered from the arctic."
"A #54 torque ratchet, I seem to remember," Bond casually replied. He was on form today, smart and sophisticated at the same time. Shame it so rarely stayed that way after a few Martinis. Q, who seemed to be slightly irritated, stared at him.

"If I might continue," he continued, "We've discovered quite a few interesting things about it, you understand. It's made of an alien material unlike anything on the earth, and it's got some strange alien symbols on it. For a while we didn't think we were getting anywhere. Every time we switched it on it just seemed to crackle a bit and give off a smell of ozone and bacon. But now we realise that when we do that, rather odd things happen in the vicinity."

"You're referring to Moneypenny's hair?" Bond interrupted. For no apparent reason, she'd had a change of style recently and Bond had thought the new pink look rather fetching. 

"Do pay attention," Q continued. "All sorts of odd things, though nothing particularly serious. Lab technicians disappearing, lost socks reappearing, inanimate objects moving around, small animals turning up in unusual places, Moneypenny's hair changing colour for no apparent reason. That sort of thing. At first we thought someone was playing a trick. But now we realise that every time the object is activated, it affects the dimensional stability of the surrounding area and quantums of oddness are released."

"I know what you're going to ask," Q enthused. "Well, there are an infinite number of dimensions, all of which exist completely independently of each other. When the dimensional stability is affected, these  come into contact. Now certain advanced civilisations appear to use this as a means of travel through the universe, making precise adjustments to the stability of spacetime with a tool like this #54 torque ratchet. It's an extremely sensitive process, which if not made with perfect precision can result in the release of quantums of oddness, which are localised changes to reality that cause strange things to happen. Well, we hope they're localised. We've released quite a few of them recently."
His voice tailed off as a call came through on his earpiece. "I'm sorry, 007," Q said, "We'll have to continue this fascinating talk another time. If you'll excuse me, I need to check up on some hamsters that have appeared in M's drinks cabinet."

I wasn't going to ask that, Bond thought. I only came down to Q Branch to check if the Aston was ready.

Far, far above Horshell Common, unseen by anyone on earth, several squadrons of pickelhauber-spiked assault ships, brimming with laser-musket-armed spiked-helmeted T-200 eradicator assaultbots, their robo-faces hidden behind their leather  respirators, rubber gloves covering their robo-hands, ready to march out onto the unsuspecting earth, moved into their invasion formations, waiting for the recon team to report back, and the attack orders that would almost certainly follow.

Top-down view of the table

SETUP

The table represents a park in suburban England. There is a central lake , a road at one end (heroes), a crashed spiked cylinder at the other (Prussians), and various features between, including a bandstand and a hut selling refreshments.

Bond watches from the Aston, while the police ready themselves in their own vehicles

Many miles below, gazing out of the window of the Aston, Bond sighed again. He'd wanted to spend the evening with that rather attractive new girl in the typing pool, not go to Surrey. He hated Surrey. He'd tried to tell M this was a job for the police.  But after the last mission he was now the expert on aliens, apparently, even though everyone knew the chances of anything coming from Mars were a million to one. And, I mean, really? Another crashed alien spaceship? Couldn't these script writers come up with something original for once?

Bystanders in cosplay outfits

Through his binoculars, he surveyed Horshell Common. It was an almost-typical summer evening and people were, in general, going about their business as if nothing unusual had happened at all. Groups of people, their picnics finished and packed away, were bathing in the last warm rays of the sun around the lake. Some hungry folk in cosplay outfits were eating chips from the refreshments stand, while some shiftier types were smoking beside the bandstand, trying to look cool and keep away from the unusually heavy police presence, while closer to the spiked cylinder sticking out of the ground on the other side of the park, which had been fenced off with 'POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS' tape, the scientist Ogilvy was being interviewed for the lunchtime news.

Jake and Elwood try to avoid the attention of the police

Bond heard the sound of shuffling feet nearby and lowered the binoculars. A filthy tramp, a shock of grey hair sticking up out of his dirty mac, was approaching. Concerned about possible contamination, Bond made to move away. The tramp started to say something, then broke out into a violent, hacking cough. When he'd finished, he spoke again, with a strong Glaswegian accent and a stronger smell of whisky.

"Could I borrow a match?" The question caught Bond off guard. The tramp, realising there was a problem, quickly searched his pockets and after revealing a half a packet of extra-strong mints and an empty whisky bottle, pulled out a curved pipe with a wooden body of a style that had gone out of fashion at least twenty years ago. 

"Sorry," the tramp said. Bond remained confused. The tramp was clearly waiting for something.

"Er... No." he replied, thinking quickly. "Here, have shome change and pish off, will you."

A filthy tramp approaches the Aston

The tramp's eyes scanned the scene, while he whispered through his teeth. "You're supposed to say 'I use a lighter'."
"What?" Bond said, still confused. "Look, here'sh a fiver. Now bugger off."
"Then I say 'Better still' and you say 'Until they go wrong'. It's a code."
"Oh!" Suddenly Bond recalled the secret code and paused, trying to remember what came next. "It musht be shettled the gypshy way," he continued, confidently.
"Of for f** sake," the tramp responded, "Look, I'm DI McGuffin. I'm here to help you investigate."
Bond looked the tramp up and down. "Do you alwaysh dressh like thish?" He asked. "Can't chapsh like you afford a deschent tailor?"
"Don't be stupid," McGuffin responded, "I've gone undercover so as not to attract the attention of the press. Normally I wear a tie when I'm working."

THE CASTS

You can download the 7TV2 cards created for this episode by clicking on their names below. 

The police

James Bond and his Heroic Cast
James Bond, Action Hero (Star, 10 ratings)
Jock McGuffin, Tough Detective (Star, 10 ratings)
Sergeant Burke, Police Sergeant (Extra, 3 ratings)
9 Policemen (Extras, 3 models for 5 ratings)
Ogilvy the Scientist (Extra, 2 ratings)
Police Car (Vehicle, 4 ratings)

Police Van (Vehicle, 4 ratings)
The Aston (Vehicle, 8 Ratings)

Total 56

Space Prussians from Mars

The Villainous Robo-Prussian Cast

Baronbot Von Panzer (Star, 10 ratings) 
Dogbot Von Schnauser (Co-Star, 6 ratings) 
Arnie Das Kriegsmaschine, Giant Robot (Co-Star, 10 ratings)
8 Reconbots (Extras, 3 ratings each)

Total 50

The six points difference between the casts was made less relevant given the objective of the episode and the fact that Ogilvy starts the game in an extremely vulnerable location. And in any case, it's about the narrative, not who wins.

The 7TV van and news team

One additional vehicle was also available, the TV crew's van - mainly provided for visual appeal.

There are also a number of innocent bystanders in the park that effectively count as objectives - see Victory Points below.

Innocent bystanders find things to do in the park

SPECIAL RULES

All vehicles can be driven by any model except the giant robot and the robot dog. Any robot must first make a MIND test after entering a vehicle before it can operate it at all; anyone except  Bond trying to use one of the special effects of the Aston must make a mind test first each time this is attempted.

VICTORY CONDITIONS

The Prussians represent an advance reconaissance unit who have arrived on earth to check everything is ready for the arrival of the main invasion force. Their objective is to abduct and probe (for information) any and all bystanders and members of the opposing cast. The heroes are trying to stop them.

At the end of the game, the Prussians gain 1 victory point for every abducted model. The heroes gain 1 victory point for every surviving non-abducted bystander model. Other victory points are allocated as normal.

At the end of the game the tally of victory points will determine whether the invasion has been repulsed or not.

AND... ACTION!

Bond leads the police into action

With a squeal of tyres, Bond sets off in the Aston, accelerating into the park. Mud flies up into the faces of dodging bystanders as the manicured grass is ripped apart by the tread of the Aston's tyres. Behind, McGuffin jumps into the squad car.

"Follow that secret agent!", he shouts.

The professor pauses during the interview as a noise comes from the cylinder

On the other side of the park, a strange rasping sound emanates from the cylinder as its lid unscrews. Perhaps there is a man trapped inside? Unfortunately it turns out to be alien robots trying to get out.

Pedestrians dodge out of the path of the police

From the driver's seat of the Aston, Bond senses danger ahead, as Ogilvy and the TV crew stand dumbstruck, gazing at the top of the mysterious cylinder as it opens.

"AAARGGHH!" screams Ogilvy in panic

Just in time, Ogilvy realises the danger. He turns and runs in panic back towards the refreshments hut, desperately hoping Bond will save him from whatever is coming out of the cylinder. Or that he will at least be able to get a refreshing cup of tea.

Beside the cylinder, Karl of 7TV and his cameraman continue their commentary, oblivious to the danger.

"Just look cool, Jake. Try not to attract their attention."

The police van, appropriately filled with policemen, drives past the bandstand. Jake and Elwood play innocent as, ignoring them, the van continues on, heading for the far-more-suspicious-looking cosplayers.

"Halt! Zere is no escape, earthling!"

First to exit the cramped interior of the cylinder is the Prussian leader, von Panzer. Initially disoriented by the light and the open air around, he cannot resist chasing after the fleeing scientist. Holding his hand to his helmet, he attempts mind control but Ogilvy stubbornly resists.

"Must. Probe."

Karl and the cameraman are less fortunate. Two Prussian reconbots exit the cylinder and charge, suspicious attachments fitted to the barrels of their stun muskets. The unfortunate journalists are duly probed and prepared for abduction. 

Clearly there is more space inside the cylinder than appears from outside

A third reconbot leaves the cylinder, followed by Arnie the giant robot, who despite his size has no difficulty at all exiting the cylinder.

The giant robot advances towards its target

"No problemo", Arnie confirms.

The giant robots advances toward the cosplayers, who watch in awe. That is probably the coolest outfit they have ever seen.

"Right you lot, let's be 'aving you!"

But the police have other ideas. Ignoring Jake and Elwood, the van screeches to a halt beside the cosplayers and an excessive number of policemen jump into action.

The view from the cylinder

Too slow, Arnie and the Prussians can only watch in disappointment as the police round up the bystanders.

"Freeze, Prussian!"

With a turn of speed, the squad car drives between the lake and the refreshments hut and screeches to a halt. As pedestrians dodge to safety, McGuffin leaps out of the car, pistol ready, and shouts a warning at the approaching Prussian Aristobot.

Ogilvy moves to the rear of the car, hoping to jump in to safety, while out of shot and some distance behind, the Aston unexpectedly finds itself stuck in the mud and temporarily unable to move.

A view across the table. Note Rover camera.

The TV crew are unceremoniously rounded up by their abductors and taken back inside the cylinder. Von Schnauser, the Prussian robot dog, provides some support as Arnie continues his relentless advance.

"It's for your own safety"

Policemen quickly take statements from the cosplayers, who are duly rounded up and put in the van.

The Aston launches a rocket strike at the giant robot

Mud flies as the Aston gains purchase and Bond drives it around the hut so as to have a clear shot at the giant robot. Stealing the scene, he chooses this moment to launch its missiles.

There is a large explosion that causes some superficial damage to Arnie, who ignores it, concentrating on his target. He'll deal with Bond in a moment. 

Arnie focuses on his target

The Prussians continue their slow advance toward the police van. Arnie charges his heat ray.

"In the van, please, Ladies"

The police van turns, stopping alongside the girls playing beachball, and a police constable herds them into the back.

"Form a line!"

On the other side of the van, another constable escorts Jake and Elwood to the van as well. Despite their pleas of innocence, into the back of the van they go.

Sergeant Burke orders the rest of the police squad to form a line, though precisely how she intends to deal with the advancing giant robot is unclear.

"You cannot escape..."

Just a little too far from the action, all Arnie can do is watch disappointedly as the police do their best to take his targets away. But he then advances into range and chooses this moment to fire the heat ray at the police van.

All of a sudden, it is uncomfortably hot inside the van

Having ushered the bystanders into the van, two policemen are left outside. Unaccountably, they survive the blast of the heat ray. Unfortunately, those inside the van, all of whom are instantly roasted by the robot's weapon, do not.  

The trauma of this tragedy will stay with those two constables for many years.

"Reverse!!!"

The police give the order to pull back to safety. The patrol car reverses to pick up bystanders, leaving McGuffin to defend the position. Ogilvy, who is left behind, chases after the reversing police car.

"Wait for me!" he cries.

McGuffin is shot with a stun musket 

Suddenly, McGuffin finds himself in the open and vulnerable, and under fire from Prussian stun muskets, with Arnie now advancing in his direction. Left stunned and wounded, he is fortunate that the Prussians are too distant to attempt to probe him yet.

The Aston's machine guns prove ineffective, so Bond winds down the passenger side window to shoot with his Walter PPK.

"You. Vill. Come. Mit. Uns."

Von Schnauser and von Panzer leave Bond and McGuffin for Arnie to deal with. Unopposed, they lead another team of reconbots to abduct two bystanders who seem to have escaped the attention of the police. These unfortunately are dutifully probed and captured.

Maguffin resists the advancing robots

"Not so fast, robot," McGuffin cries as he regains consciousness and recovers, standing to face his enemy. Bond provides covering fire from the Aston.

"BOOM!" - where did they go?

Meanwhile, there is an inevitable explosion, to which the Prussians prove invulnerable but their probed victims do not. Two bystanders are spared the indignity of abduction by being blown to smithereens instead.

McGuffin shoots the reconbot

A shootout between McGuffin and a reconbot leaves the robot wounded, but Arnie's steady advance continues.

"Hasta la Vista, detective"

As McGuffin falls to another musket shot, the giant robot moves in and captures him in its giant pincers. Stunned, the policeman can do nothing to resist.

It is the last turn of the finale. Bond shoots from the car window in a desperate attempt to save his companion. Using the laser scope, one shot hits a vital area and Arnie falters, and with a last burst of action, another shot finds its mark and this is all it takes to stop the robot in its tracks.

The giant robot falls to the ground

In an epic final scene to the episode, as if in slow motion the giant robot falls to its knees and crumbles, crashing to the ground. McGuffin's abduction is prevented as Bond's final action saves the day.

EPILOGUE

Seeing their giant robot fall, it is clear to the Prussians that these earthlings are not quite as easy to defeat as they had suspected. Retreating to their cylinder, von Panzer relays the message to the high command. The invasion must be called off, at least until improvements are made to Arnie. Maybe he needs to be bigger?

Seeing the Prussians leave, and sensing the importance of the result, those survivors who are left alive and conscious cheer with relief.

----------------

"Two policemen and eight civilians burned to death, two vapourised and two unaccounted for, presumed abducted by aliens," M continued. "It's really not very impressive, is it, 007."

Bond wasn't quite sure what to say. He wanted to point out that he was licensed to kill, although there was an unwritten assumption that this didn't apply to innocent bystanders. Oh well.

"Shorry, ma'am," he conceded.

CREDITS

Players:

The Space Prussians . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Andrew Sherrington

James Bond and the police . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Alan Hall

Models:

James Bond . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Crooked Dice Miniatures

DI Jock McGuffin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Killer B Games

The police . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Killer B Games, Crooked Dice Miniatures

Von Panzer and Prussian reconbots . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Ironclad Miniatures

Von Schnauser . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WIld West Exodus

Arnie the Giant Robot . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Crooked Dice Miniatures

Arnie's helmet . . .  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Green Stuff

Bystanders. . . . . . . . . Studio Miniatures, Spectre Miniatures, Killer B Games, Crooked Dice Miniatures, Wargames Foundry

Most of the scenery scratch-built by the author from cardboard and MDF

7TV2 Spy-Fi game from Crooked Dice, with custom cards produced for this episode from the 7TV Studios Casting Agency. 

No robots were harmed in the making of this picture.

"I'll be back"

James Bond will return, too, in his new adventure:

FISHFINGER

Coming to a cinema near you soon

Dr Sno: A Bond Film for 7TV2

Promotional shot from the set of Dr Sno

"Mwahaha!"

Doktor Sno rubbed his hands together in the way that aspiring megalomaniacs do on the threshold of their greatest moment. Every element of his diabolical masterplan was coming together perfectly. Except, he reflected, his name. He'd always thought that Dr Brian Snowflake wasn't a particularly good name for a mastervillain, which was why he'd decided to lose the Brian, shorten the surname to something much more sinister, and change the conventional yet boring c in Doctor to a mysterious, enigmatic k. A considerable improvement, certainly, though still not nearly dastardly enough. But that could be dealt with later. What mattered now was delivery of the final element of his masterplan: taking possession of the dimensional technology contained in the crashed alien spacecraft.

He reflected on his pathway to megalomania. Having a fascination with all things scientific since being a small child had been an excellent start. The fact that he had always been small and worn thick-rimmed glasses from an early age meant that as well as actually being a nerd he looked particularly nerdy too, and was constantly bullied as a result. This drove him as intensely into his scientific hobbies as it fuelled his desire for revenge. And meting out that vengeance on the school bullies, through occasional freak accidents, rare medical conditions and unexpected explosions gave him a few moments of joy to reflect upon. His passion had led him to doctorates in theoretical physics, materials science and cybernetics, and his research to the discovery and practical use of Ice-5¾, a stable meta-polymorphic, multi-dimensional form of water that would revolutionise engineering if its secrets were made generally known. He'd made enough money from various minor patents, and staying in every night for so many years, that he'd been able to set up his own laboratory and create an obedient and efficient robotic workforce to do his bidding. After that, intercepting and deciphering the communications between Dept X and the interdimensional aliens had been child's play - and enacting the final elements of his plan would be simplicity itself. Nothing can stop him now.

"Mwahaha! Nothing can stop me now!", he practised again, rubbing his hands together for extra effect.

This is the narrative and after action report of the first in an alternative possible sequence of Bond films, which I've been planning for a long time but haven't had a chance to sort out because of a combination of the Coronavirus situation and general laziness. So this game was played despite lockdown with the aid of Zoom, a handy little camera and lighting setup I sorted out, and two enthusiastic volunteers to play the two casts. Many thanks Howard and Al for taking the lead roles. 

A mysterious alien spaceship has crashlanded in the arctic

"Thank you for coming back in to the office, 007," M announced, "I hope it didn't inconvenience you."

Bond wasn't sure whether she was being sarcastic or not, and Q, who was standing by the desk, had a completely blank expression as usual. These things were difficult to tell at the best of times. When you're called back to the office three hours and two bottles of Bollinger into 008's leaving do it was almost impossible. As usual, he decided to bluff it.

"Yesh Ma'am. That ish, no Ma'am," he replied, smiling coyly, raising an eyebrow, and straightening his tuxedo. M stared at him, her expression impenetrable. I wonder, Bond thought, if it's because she wasn't invited…

"We've received a transmission from one of our polar weather stations," she continued. "Ice Station Llama. You might recall that two weeks ago they reported a seismic disturbance in the ice some distance away - possibly a meteorite - and that they planned to investigate. Nothing sinister, but as you know we like to take an interest in these things just in case."

"Now pay attention, 007," Q announced, pointing at a blurry image that appeared on the projector screen behind. "Well, it just so happens that an encoded transmission from the KGB that we intercepted last week mentioned this unidentified celestial object, that was apparently on a trajectory heading towards the earth. It seems that if it didn't burn up in the atmosphere it was likely to crash land in this precise area here. As you can see in the photograph, it's a regular-shaped object, not at all what we would expect for a meteorite."

Bond squinted at the picture. Either it was very fuzzy or his eyes weren't working too well after all that champagne. The brightness was starting to make his head hurt.

"Aliens, of course," Q confidently continued. "We've been monitoring them for a while, hoping to do some sort of collaborative work. You've probably read the reports. Our experts have completed their analysis and concluded three things: (1) that it's likely that the aliens originate from another dimension, (2) they're from a considerably more advanced culture than ours, and (3) they want us to take them to our leader. Or something like that. After several months of hard work GCHQ have at last deciphered their first message: we come in peace. Which is good to know. The last thing we want is war with aliens that are technologically much more advanced than the human race!"

"Unfortunately", M continued, "we haven't heard from Ice Station Llama for over a week. Their last message was a distress signal, weak and garbled and didn't make much sense. Something's gone wrong up there, that's for sure. Some kind of fire or explosion. And it can't be reached, not by a rescue plane. The polar cap is entirely closed in with an ice storm that might last for days or weeks. It's virtually inaccessible. 

Dr Sno poses for a promotional shot

The plan that was hatched some years ago was to make up a series of 7TV2 games featuring James Bond, to be played in the correct sequence. Each film would be (very loosely) based on the original Bond films, as well as taking elements from other films which for some reason seemed appropriate. I'd probably admit that in the end the ideas for the games have diverged so much from the original films that their only real connection is the attempted pun on the film title. 

Bond did not recall any of these reports. The last few weeks had been really tough. He'd been incredibly busy planning 008's retirement party, and hadn't had time for the weekly briefings, which, he would have liked to say, along with all the other briefings, were not brief. He simply hadn't had a chance to read them. Finding a suitable venue had been a nightmare, the champagne order had had to be changed at the last minute (wrong vintage), and he'd wasted three whole weeks trying to convince Moneypenny to do the strippagram to no avail. 

"Yesh Ma'am. That ish, no Ma'am. And Q," he cleverly replied, holding on to the chair back for a moment until the room stopped spinning again. He hated it when rooms did that. M, a serious expression on her face, looked toward him.

"The last Llama transmission cut off before it could be completed, but I will play what we have for you. Do sit down, 007, before you fall over. And take that stupid party hat off."

"Yesh Ma'am, " Bond complied, and fell into the seat, which, it had to be said, was very comfortable. He was aware of similar devious KGB interrogation tricks and concentrated; he'd have to make full use of his skills to stay awake. M pressed a button on a small cassette tape machine that Bond had just noticed was on the desk. Over a crackling background, a panicky voice spoke clearly. Bond listened as best he could as the tape played….

Dr Sno draws from the films Dr No (of course), Ice Station Zebra and The Thing, as well taking ideas from Kurt Vonnegut's novel Cat's Cradle  and the TV series of The Prisoner (for which Patrick McGoohan is probably better known than his role in Ice Station Zebra). Initial ideas to include elements of Frozen and Happy Feet were omitted for artistic reasons. 

There's some Thing alien about that crashed ship...

Essentially, the plot is that a polar weather station has been taken over by an evil genius and his minions, as he searches for valuable technology left in the wreckage of a crashed alien spacecraft. James Bond has his hands full dealing with a dragon-shaped car and an inappropriately dressed scuba diver, while a fearsome alien horror is on the loose. No.6 is wondering why he doesn't finally find a way to finally escape it all.

Bond woke with a start at the precise moment the tape ended with a loud click.

"Are you alright, 007?" M asked. "You didn't fall asleep, did you?"

"I think he may be drunk again, Ma'am," Q sighed.

"No Q, Ma'am. That ish, yesh Ma'am. And Q," he bluffed. "Jusht conshentrating, you undershtand."

"Yes, of course," they both said together, without a hint of sarcasm. 

M continued. "So you'll no doubt understand why a specialist team is needed to respond to this situation."

Bond nodded, and then stopped nodding as the room began to sway again. M was saying something else.

"…and as 008 has officially retired, you're the most experienced agent available to lead the assault team." She pressed a button on the intercom. "Miss Moneypenny, would you please bring 007's false papers in?"

"One queshtion, Ma'am, if you please?" Bond asked. "Can I…"

"No, 007," M interrupted, "You can't take the Aston with you. For one thing, those caviar stains you left on the front seat last time you drove it still haven't come out. And second, it won't fit in the submarine. And take that silly expression off your face now, you can't always have things your own way, you know."

As Bond sulked, Moneypenny came in. Bond looked up and smiled at her with puppy-dog eyes, but she didn't even so much as glance at him. I wonder if something has annoyed her, he thought, as she slammed the papers down on the desk in front of him and stormed out.

Another publicity shot: Snobots advance!

SYNOPSIS

The mysterious scientist and putative supervillain Doktor Sno, accompanied by a force of his cybernetic minions (robotic snowmen, made of Ice-5¾), has travelled to a remote arctic location close to Ice Station Llama with the intent of taking possession of the interdimensional technology within a nearby crash-landed alien spacecraft, to suit his own nefarious purposes. After a short fight, he and his minions have taken over the weather station and have started their search of the area. Pay attention 007, it's all very straightforward.

Dept X, aware only that communications from Ice Station Llama have mysteriously ceased, that an alien craft from another dimension is likely to have crashed nearby, and that the Russians probably know about it, have urgently sent an armed investigation team led by James Bond to sort it all out. By chance they arrive just in the nick of time...

THE CASTS

The Heroic Dept X cast:

James Bond, Agent Double 07 (Star, 10 ratings)

"Mr Jones", Double Agent No.6 (Co-Star, 6 ratings)

Arsula Undress, inappropriately dressed scuba diver (Co-Star, 6 ratings)

X-Commando Captain (Extra, 4 ratings)

8 x X-Commandos (Extras, 3 ratings each)

Total 50 points

The Villanous Snowbot cast:

Doktor Sno, Evil Mastervillain (Star, 10 ratings)

Mr Avalanche, Robotic Sidekick (Co-Star, 6 ratings)

Snowbot Commander (Extra, 4 ratings)

9 x Snowbots (Extras, 3 ratings each; or 3 for 8)

Snobazooka Heavy Weapons Team (Extra, 6 ratings)

Total: 50 points

Two vehicles are also present and available to either cast - the Dragon Tank and a snow tractor.

7TV2 profile cards specific to this game, created from the 7TV Studios Casting Agency, can be downloaded here. 

Dr Sno reviewed the situation. The crew of the weather station had been taken completely by surprise and put up very little resistance. They had been swiftly dealt with, although they had managed to dispose of two of his snobots during the defence. One had strayed too close to the cooker while the second had been clubbed to death with a recently-prepared hot water bottle. He really should do something about their vulnerability to heat, he thought, but they were easily replaced. And so his plan was nearing completion, and all that remained was to remove the alien technology from the crashlanded ship...   

SET-UP

The game was played on a 6ft x 4ft table, most of which is taken to represent open pack ice. Each side started from an opposite corner and that half of the short table edge. Several small buildings and ruins (the remains of the research station after being taken over by Dr Sno) are positioned in the Villainous Cast's starting table corner. A submarine conning tower has burst through the ice in the diagonally opposite table corner where the Heroic Cast start the game. And a surprisingly small crash-landed spaceship, containing the maguffin, is in the centre of the table, with four objective tokens evenly spaced around it.

Screen capture image of the game during play

This was my first attempt to run any sort of tabletop game using Zoom, and it seemed to work rather well. I used three tripod mounted LED lights around the table and set up a master computer looking at me with a partial view of the table, a phone with a view from above the table (Table Cam), a fixed camera looking at an open box in which I could roll dice (DiceCam), and a second phone on a stand that could move around on the table surface giving a model's eye view of what was going on (Rover). The main issue here was providing enough power, especially to keep the two phones charged as they seem to run down really fast using Zoom - and maintaining Rover's power connection because for some reason my phone doesn't like to stay plugged in (Blu-Tac proved very useful here). All cameras were muted with their microphones off. Plus webcams for the two players and you have the whole setup shown in the image above. 

Rover in action during filming. Note use of Blu-Tac

Rather than have a view of all the profile cards both players kept their own copies handy and we all kept track of plot points independently, with checks every so often to make sure everyone was consistent. As a referee either player could ask me for clarity whenever needed, for example, when measuring distances or moving figures around.    

SPECIAL RULES

The Thing (which has a much less enigmatic name in its own alien language) sighed a second time. It was very disappointed with the current situation. On what was, let's face it, a routine trip between the two moons of the L'frrrt system something had gone wrong again with the intra-dimensional calibrator circuit - and he'd only paid for the service two sclaargs ago. Clearly the albedo valve just needed a couple of tweaks of adjustment; which would normally be simple enough but obviously when they finished the service they had failed to put the #54 torque ratchet back in its proper place, and he still couldn't find it. Typical. Still, all was not lost. The message he'd sent just before landing had definitely been received, and hopefully understood. With a bit of luck it wouldn't be too long before someone came along with a decent set of tools. 

Peril: The Thing. This alien creature, which uses the special profile generated (card shown below, and also at the link above), is currently waiting in the crashed spaceship. The Thing acts in the first turn in which any model comes within 6" of the centre of the table, appearing and moving directly towards the closest model, and in game terms attacking them when in range. 

If The Thing for some reason ends up more than 6" from any other model, it will become undetectable, and will be moved in secret by the referee until it once again appears. 

Note that because this game was played with a referee, I didn't tell either player about The Thing until it became necessary. OK, I did make a few hints, but some Things are best kept secret. 

VICTORY POINTS

For the purpose of the scenario, victory points would be determined in the normal way, but with 1d3 bonus points for the side ending the game with the maguffin and 1d3 for the side that disposes of The Thing. But to be quite frank it doesn't matter. It's all about the narrative.

"Arshula," Bond remarked, "That'sh quite an unushual name... Tell me, what were you doing on that island before we reshcued you?"

"How many times do I have to repeat myself?" the girl responded, "I was collecting sea shells. I sell them on the sea shore. I didn't need rescuing."

"Sho, you shay you shell shea shellsh on the shea shore?" Bond struggled to say, and immediately regretted it. You needed lubrication to move your mouth in that way, and he didn't have a martini handy. He changed the subject. "Arshula. That'sh quite an unushual name..." 

AND… ACTION!

Dr Sno approaches the snow tractor as his minions get ready

Dr Sno synchronizes his watch. Behind him, from the hurriedly-called conference inside the Nissen hut, he can hear the cold whir of the ice 5 3/4 central processing units of his snowbot troopers as they calculate their optimal battle strategy. Moments ago the enemy had arrived, the conning tower of their submarine breaking through a thin patch of ice in the distance. He has to move quickly now if he is to be first to that alien ship. 

Bond leads the team as they leave the submarine

"Be careful," Bond calls to Arsula as she descends the conning tower. "It'sh very shlippery on the ishe." Bond had already fallen over three times since leaving the submarine. The smart shoes he'd chosen turned out not to be particularly practical in the arctic, even if they were the perfect match with his dinner jacket. He was starting to regret making fun earlier of the unfashionable suits the X-commandos were wearing, but they seemed to be a lot warmer than him, and none of them had fallen over. Mind you, he reflected, his dinner suit was a much better choice than Arsula's white scuba diving bikini get-up.     

Action stations!

With the enemy in sight, the alarm sounds, and the snowbot strategy commences. Swiftly bringing their briefing to a close, a pack of snobots are led by their officer toward the waiting dragon tank.

Mr Avalanche advances

At the same time, the hulking snowdrift that is Mr Avalanche has spotted the enemy leaving the submarine. Intent on maiming a few enemies (this being his primary function) he sets off in support of Dr Sno. Behind him, a smaller group of snobots including a heavy weapons snobazooka team advance in support.  

Dr Sno and assistant board the tractor

"Mwahaha!" Dr Sno cries, as he takes the controls of the snow tractor. "Nothing can stop me now!" Turning the tractor engine over, he brings it to full power and presses his foot heavily on the accelerator, giving it everything. Grudgingly, the snow tractor starts to rumble slowly forward, gradually picking up speed.  

Dept X forces steadily advance

Maintaining the fastest pace possible without slipping over, while trying to keep up with Arsula (who for some reason didn't seem keen to engage with him in conversation), Bond leads the X-commandos towards what appears to be a crashlanded alien spaceship, half-buried in snow and ice. It's probably the alien spaceship Q had been talking about, he thinks.

On the far side, No.6 walks in silence alongside one of the X-commandos, who Bond had ordered to protect him. Protect, or keep watch over? He wonders...       

Dr Sno leads the way

Dr Sno peers intently through the windscreen of the tractor, hunched over the wheel with his rightfoot pressing the pedal to the floor. The tractor, now at maximum speed, trundles along just slightly faster than walking pace. Mr Avalanche watches it grind its way past, and contemplates which way to walk around it will be quicker. 

What is that strange object?

The snobot heavy weapons team comes across something unusual, and scans the ice ahead to identify the object. It is donut sized, and donut shaped, but (according to snobot logic circuits) when found in these particular circumstances it is unlikely to be a donut. The snobots consider the situation carefully in order to identify the optimal strategy to take. 

Getting there, slowly but surely...

Distracted momentarily by the scenery inconveniently moving, Mr Avalanche concludes that it will be safest to walk around the rear of the tractor. He can see something sticking out the the snow on the other side of that ice ridge up ahead.

Arsula is first to claim an objective, but there is a surprise in store...

"Arshula, now that'sh quite an unushual name..." Bond tries again, but the scuba diver he'd been attracted to because of her headstrong personality (not just her physical features) had (in a headstrong way) moved her physical features too far away to hear his chat up line. With a brave X-commando by her side, Arsula's attention is taken by a strange metallic object sticking partway through the ice. Cutting it free with her diver's knife, she is able to examine it more closely. It is a small bent piece of strange alien metal, with some strange, small bent alien symbols etched into it.

As her fingers trace one of the symbols, the object briefly glows, as if some alien alarm had been inadvertently activated.

At the precise moment that Act 1 ends, the alien communication device is inadvertently activated.

The Thing attacks

"Oh, hello," The Thing announces, as it emerges from its ship. "I don't suppose anyone here has a #54 torque ratchet?"

"Aargh!" screams the terrified X-commando at the front of Bond's unit, as the alien creature screeches something at him, flailing its tentacles all around.

Mr Avalanche claims an objective

Rounding the corner of the shaky piece of scenery, Mr Avalanche bends down to pick up an unfamiliar object. What is it? Several cardboard tubes held together with gaffer tape? Some random pieces of plumbing stuck to a spade handle? A vibrator with some kind of stethoscope attachment? Yes, it's, definitely an alien weapon of some type. Just the sort of device Dr Sno needs to further his diabolical masterplan!

Not so far away, the snobot heavy weapons team decide to pick up the donut-shaped object ahead of them. Apart from being donut-shaped, it looks very like a futuristic telephone in an 80's sci-fi drama. An alien communicator! Just the sort of device Dr Sno needs to further his diabolical masterplan!

Snobots take their positions

Although their attention is mainly taken by the large unexpected alien engaged in hand-to-tentacle combat with one of the X-commandos, Bond's force is aware of the approaching enemy, and sporadic, ineffectual gunfire breaks out. The Snobot heavy weapons team respond, shunting slightly to their left to get a decent aim at the main group of X-commandos opposing them. With a single shot, almost all of the enemy fall within the blast area of the weapon...

BOOM! 

A cloud of powdered snow rises at the target, but everyone in the blast area remains unharmed. The snobazooka shell has failed to explode, for some reason. Perhaps it was a dud?

The tractor approaches

A stray shot cracks the windscreen of the tractor, but Dr Sno is undeterred. While the bulk of Dept X are otherwise occupied, he continues to drive the tractor toward the alien craft. 

A second snobazooka shot is more effective

Bond steps to one side to avoid the incoming snobazooka shell, careful to keep just far enough from the alien to avoid its flailing tentacles. The X-commandos are not so lucky this time, and two of them are taken out by the ensuing explosion.

The snobots close in

"Mwahaha!" cries Dr Sno as he takes full advantage of the situation. With Dept X having their hands full dealing with The Thing, he parks the tractor against the alien craft while a dragon tank full of snobots approaches from one side and Mr Avalanche closes in from the other. Surely nothing can stop him now!

The Thing is relentless

"Look, it's perfectly simple," The Thing persists, "All I want is a #54 torque ratchet!". But unfortunately Dept X has entirely misinterpreted the situation.

Concentrating on his martial arts training, the X-commando facing the alien delivers the perfect drop kick, and The Thing falls to the ground, momentarily stunned. The X-commando leaps back as Bond orders the entire unit to open fire.

The Thing is dispatched

"All I wanted was a #54 torque ratchet," The Thing complains as it expires, crackles briefly with static, and disappears through a temporary dimensional rift with a smell of ozone and crispy bacon.   

Another objective is claimed

"What have you found?" The X-commando asks as No.6 picks up the alien object lying on the ground. But No.6 wasn't going to give him any information.

No.6 actually doesn't know what the object is. All he can usefully find out is that it is some sort of machine, and that it goes 'bing', though he can't say how or why. 

The tide starts to turn 

Act 2 is almost at a close. Things appear to be going Dr Sno's way. And so, inevitably, it is precisely at this moment that everything changes. 

The X-commandos, who are now no longer occupied by The Thing, turn their attention to the approaching Mr Avalanche, who receives multiple wounds from their concentrated fire. 

"Operate the vehicle flamethrower!" orders the command snobot in the tank, while snobots scuttle below with the controls. "NO! NOT THAT SWITCH!" is the last any of them hear as the internal vehicle heating system is switched on to Max and with an unexpected pyrotechnic display they all instantaneously melt. Dr Sno really should do something about snobot vulnerability to heat. Steam hisses from the cupola of the tank.

To make matters worse, Dr Sno himself (who is bravely trying to get close enough to the maguffin to claim the alien technology) takes a couple of shots to the chest. Dangerously wounded, he considers that things aren't looking quite so good any more. 

Mr Avalanche does not care

"I don't care!" says Mr Avalanche, who stands and takes the oncoming fire. Fortunately for him he survives the assault. But Dr Sno's cast is very close to becoming axed now. 

Bond picks his moment

It is the final showdown. Stealing the scene, having leaped around the corner of the alien craft, Bond uses his laser scope to deliver the finishing shot to Dr Sno, who falls to the ground. 007 smiles, raising an eyebrow, and strikes a pose for the camera while blowing the smoke from the barrel of his gun. 

There is an explosion

Dr Sno limps away, almost incapacitated, thinking that all is lost. But, as often turns out in such situations, all is not lost.

"Excuse me, Sir," announces the improbable X-commando at the rear of the group, who is probably played by Roy Kinnear. "Did you drop this?"

The commander looks at the grenade Roy is offering him, does a double-take, and mouths something rude. 

The inevitable explosion kills four X-commandos, leaving both casts axed at the start of the Finale. Mr Avalanche uses the opportunity to regenerate and presses on with the attack.

Ready... Aim...

As if that wasn't enough, the snobazooka is now directed at No.6 and friend, who are hit with significantly more explosive power than could ever be considered reasonable. Both are utterly destroyed in an enormous explosion and disappear through a hole in the ice without even time for a "be seeing you".

The machine that goes 'bing', which No.6 had been holding, briefly goes 'bing' and then falls through the hole in the ice, disappearing for ever. 

The maguffin is claimed

Arsula is close to claiming the maguffin, but without warning Mr Avalanche launches a capture bubble at her and when she recovers she finds herself back at the submarine. At the same moment a lone snobot leaps into the empty dragon tank and drives it forward, blocking Bond from claiming the maguffin, while Dr Sno's assistant grabs the alien technology and runs back to the tractor with it.

"Do you feel lucky, punk?"

Mr Avalanche takes the opportunity to go one to one with the X-commando officer. It is a short fight. And with a sufficient surplus of plot points available Dr Sno's axed cast all remain in play at the end of the turn. 

Unfortunately the Dept X cast are less fortunate. Spending their last few plot points ineffectively shooting at snobots, at the end of the turn they fail their Spirit test and decide to call it a day.

For those who are interested, the game is scored as a Decisive Victory to Dr Sno's Villanous cast. Not that 007 agrees, or that it matters at all for the narrative of the story. 

Bond and Arsula get together at last

Their job done, with a nicely chilled open bottle of Bollinger, from the conning tower Bond and Arsula toast their success as the last rays of the sun set over the smoking arctic scenery and the submarine prepares for departure.

"Sho, Arshula," 007 says, "Heresh to a another shuccsheshful misshion - cheersh!"

"Do you think you can drop me off at my beach on the way back?" she replies, hopefully.

"Arshula... That'sh quite an unushual name..." 

And the end credits for the film begin to roll... 

We will return...

As the credits continue, out of sight of the submarine, Dr Sno's assistant has recovered his master's remains as well as the alien technology, and is making his way off with them. Surely this will not be the last we see of Dr Sno?

CREDITS

Players:

Dr Sno and the Villainous Snobot cast . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Howard Bishop

James Bond and the Heroic Dept X cast . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Alan Hall

Models:

James Bond, Arsula Undress, No.6 & The Thing . . . . . . . . . . . . Crooked Dice Miniatures

X-Commandos  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wargames Foundry

Dr Sno  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . origin unknown

Snobots & Mr Avalanche scratch-built by the author

Dragon Tank . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . James Bond 1:43 Car Collection

Snow Tractor bought in a car boot sale for next to nothing by the author years ago

Arctic Unit #1

Base mat  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Deep Cut Studios

Oil Drums . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Debris of War

Snow scatter  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Poundland

All other scenery scratch-built by the author, mostly from cardboard, MDF and flower arranging foam

7TV2 Spy-Fi game from Crooked Dice, with custom cards produced for this episode from the 7TV Studios Casting Agency. 

Acknowledgements

Special thanks to Shaun Pike for his suggestion for 7TV2 Secret Santa, and to Simon Clarke, without whom I wouldn't have had such a great figure for Dr Sno.

No Things were harmed in the making of this picture.

EPILOGUE

M was looking stern.

"I'm not sure why you seem so satisfied, 007," she said. "You've no evidence of who this Dr Sno character is, why he was in the arctic, or even whether he has been successfully disposed of; your report isn't at all clear about what happened at Ice Station Llama; and your attempts to establish cordial relations with the aliens involved ended up with one of them being killed, risking all out war with an alien race. And No.6 seems to have disappeared. Your report concentrates far too little on the mission and far too much on this sea shell seller and quite frankly I don't understand why she was there at all. And the only material evidence you have for us is a small piece of bent metal."

"Yesh, ma'am," Bond sulked. He knew this meant it would be a long time before he was allowed to drive the Aston again. 

"Fortunately for you Q has some good news," she concluded. Bond glanced up, raising an eyebrow hopefully.

"It's quite fascinating!" Q enthused, "This is no ordinary small piece of bent metal. Our researchers have concluded it to be some sort of alien #54 torque ratchet, which is terribly interesting. We're pretty sure it's something to do with the intra-dimensional calibration process, and that it's probably designed to work alongside a sort of machine that goes 'bing'. We'll need time to find out more details."   

--------------------------- 

Many miles to the north, in the polar ice, something crackles briefly with static, and reappears through a temporary dimensional rift with a smell of ozone and crispy bacon...

"Looks like they've all gone. Now let's see if I can get this ship repaired..."

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN SOON

 IN 

From Prussia, with Rubber Gloves...